I was filling up at a gas station in Richmond while the girls went inside for a bathroom break and caffeine. I was excited to be the first car getting back to Lexington; I was exhausted and ready to graduate school in a little over a month. I’d had a good weekend at Fall Retreat, my last one, but nothing spectacular or earth-shattering for me. I had a massive test in my hardest class, Music History, on my mind, and I hadn’t started the incredibly large amount of studying.
But then I got the phone call.
It was from Erin, who was in Lexington, wanting to know if we were okay. I was so confused. But then she cleared it up for me. I had to go in the gas station and get the girls and we prayed and took off to Lexington. Then the phone call & text message floodgate opened.
The memories of the rest of that day and the following week are still so vivid in my mind. I sat in a cubby on the 4th floor of Willy T. unsuccessfully trying to concentrate for hours. I got in my car to just drive and realized I had nowhere to go. I walked without purpose around the BCM building, my home, unable to sleep or hold a commonsensical conversation.
I avoided the stretch of Interstate for a long time. It was actually only a little under a month ago that I drove it for the first time. I cried the entire length of the new guardrail they’ve constructed. The overwhelming thought was how unfair it was that they got to leave us here. They are eternally in the presence of the Creator of the universe, and we are stuck here in a world of pain and death.
There are some things I have come to realize are forever changed about how I live because of the accident:
• I forgive much quicker.
• I don’t take time with people for granted.
These both go together. Since Tom and Brad went to be with Jesus, I try not to spend any time with unresolved conflict, or not being completely honest with those I care for. I don’t always succeed, but I have definitely seen where I normally would have held onto my hurt, I now let go easier. Time is so special.
• I invested time in those younger than me.
I didn’t like that I didn’t know Brad until that weekend. So after the accident, I purposely took more of an interest in the freshman, especially once my job fell through and I was in Lexington for the spring semester. And I thank my Lord that He brought two of those freshman into my life for good, as they are my very best friends.
• I no longer believe it couldn’t happen to me.
When someone is on their way somewhere and they are late and don’t call, I almost immediately think the worst. I no longer think something horrible like that would never happen to me. I make those I love text me when they get home safe & meaningfully tell others to be careful while driving.
I will forever cherish the memories I had with Tom. From the “Mike story” to his killer skills. From his pick-up lines to his horrible chants at my intramural football games… “B-A-P-T-I-S-T, BAPTIST CAMPUS MINISTRY!” I’m so thankful I got to spend time with him that Friday before we left for Fall Retreat. We were two of the only people in the building that morning and we played Mario Kart and Killer, reminiscing about the time Andrew hit me in the face with a ping-pong ball. He always thought that was hilarious.
I’m thinking of the May and Hall families today. I’m praying for all of us who were effected by this tragedy. And I’m thankful God spared Ben, and I still have him in my life being goofy and leading a great praise band at the BCM.
I follow Derek Webb, the former lead of Caedmon’s Call, on Twitter, and when he offered a free download of his “uncensored” single, I readily took it. The first time I listened to it, I didn’t catch many of the lyrics except for the “hell”, “shit” and “damn.” But I sure as heck loved the techno, synthesized beat. So I took a second listen and began learning the words.
Here’s the video:
Since then, I’ve come across a lot of people on blogs, especially Christian music ones, that have berated Webb for this song being “pro-homosexuality” and of course for his use of profanity. Personally, profanity for shock value is sometimes the best way to get a message across. But what struck me the most was how much of this actually matters? It makes me angry that people who don’t know Jesus may stumble across these blogs/opinions and chalk it up once again to those “close-minded fundamentalist Christians.” This large scale berating of other followers of Christ just irks me.
Because what did Jesus preach? LOVE.
And when it comes down to it? What is Webb’s single trying to emphasize? That we LOVE the hurting around us. Yes, homosexuality is a sinful lifestyle. But so is lying and manipulation. So is selfishness and self-centeredness. We ALL fall short of the glory of God. Those of us who have Christ dwelling inside us have the answer to this shortcoming. Why aren’t we sharing this with those who don’t know/understand/accept it?
The closest opinion I have found to mine on this subject is here. I really recommend the read.
I love this song, especially these lines: “Cause if you really believe what you say you believe / You wouldn’t be so damn reckless with the words you speak / Wouldn’t silently consent when the liars speak / Denying all the dying of the Remedy”
Because that is what my Jesus is: the Remedy. The Remedy to the hurt, disappointment and injustice on this earth. The Remedy to the anxiety, restlessness and discontent of those of us who live here. And I have the Remedy. And the only way to share it with others is love and relationship. Period. What matters more? Love.
Satan has been in my head lying to me the past few days, and I just want to expose them as lies, and refute them.
I am NOT responsible for someone’s not being saved. No matter how crappy the relationship has been, or is, and how much of that is my fault.
I CAN stand up to temptation, even when I have failed everytime before. God WILL give me strength anew.
My best friends teasing me is NOT evidence of their waning love and devotion to our friendship.
God CAN give me purpose in my daily life.
I AM worth being loved by a man that loves God, and WILL be one day.
I AM allowed to hurt. It’s NOT always selfish.
I know Satan is after me harder because I’m in God’s will, and making a difference for the Kingdom even more than usual lately. So he attacks me where I am most vulnerable: my relationship with my best friends, my lonlieness, and my day-to-day anxiety with purpose.
Praise my God for His steadfast love, and His mercy. I don’t deserve it, and still it is new every morning.
He saved me from death, literally. I will worship Him forever.
Every morning on the way to work I turn off the radio and pray. Most of the times it’s out loud. Other times, I’m silent and try to listen. Something I’ve come to notice is how selfish my prayers are. And I don’t mean selfish as in they are all about me; I’m not 14 and viewing my God as Santa Claus. But my prayers are always for those closest to me, and the things they’re going through. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I shouldn’t pray for my best friends, my family, my future plans, etc. But my prayers still seem so self-centered. This world is hurting. There are the homeless, those without clean water, those suffering from oppression, so many even here in affluent Lexington that need Jesus. And what do I pray for in the morning? All of MY friends. Everything around ME.
Ugh.
All this has come to light because of some recent events. They started off indirectly affecting me. I’ve been praying for the situation daily for a while now. Then these events became very personal. Satan got his way with some miscommunication and some feelings, and now I find myself looking up from a pit I haven’t jumped into for quite some time.
We’ve been talking a lot around church and small group lately about trusting the Christ in others. It’s something that’s hard to do. The issue of trust isn’t usually a hard one for me. It usually takes me getting taken advantage of before I don’t trust someone. But what about the other way around. Am I trustworthy? I’d like to think so. I’m a horrible liar, which is actually a wonderful gift, and I don’t like bullshit – generally trustworthy things. But last night I wasn’t trusted by someone, and it’s made me question the Christ in me – which is horrible. I shouldn’t. But I am. And this all comes back to love. I am so loved, so why do I feel so unloved? If I could get a hundredth of that question answered, I could get by with that for the rest of my life probably.
Until then, here I am. Needing to let go, and let God. But instead re-evaluating my friendships and acting pretty stupid. Dang, why am I so hard-headed?
This weekend was bookended with two very random occurances, & I know I need to share them.
Thursday night I received an at-reply on Twitter from someone I didn’t know, letting me know he reads this blog and it has made him think. I responded appreciatively and offered to try to answer any questions he had. The following two days of conversation blessed my life (That’s right Azrin, if you’re reading, I want you to know you have given me something you couldn’t even realize). I was asked to put my faith into words. This may not seems like a big deal, but wait until you have to do it. I was so blown away by his searching heart, willing to email a random person to further his search for Truth. My prayer life got a dose of perspective from this young man, and I pray that this story isn’t over. Keep searching. You will know when you have found the Truth; it is God and living for Him makes it worth it to wake up in the morning.
If this wasn’t enough, what happened to me and the girls last night is still rocking my world:
Coming back from my parent’s house to Lexington, I wasn’t planning on hanging out on campus, but ended up there at a cookout. Later that night I was at the house of my best friends and we were just watching tv. Someone knocked on the door, and it was a young man wanting to plug in his cell phone so he could make a call. Now, this wasn’t the safest part of town, so I kept an eye on him, realizing he was very upset as he was talking. He came in to ask for a pen & pencil, and I proceeded to ask him if there was anything we could do for him, trying to get his story. With tears streaming down his face, he told me his mom texted him to say goodbye because she had taken a bottle of pain killers.
I was blown away, as I’m sure the girls were too. Later I ended up talking on the phone to this young man’s father, pleading with me to give him a ride to the hospital in Georgetown where his mom was (about half an hour away). As much as I was ready to up and go, I realized the safety concerns, and after a dozen phone calls, my friends Josh and Matt came to pick up this young man. Before he left, we circled around him and prayed for him and his mother. The whole situation just shook me, and thank God for His providence.
Just the way God orchestrated that whole situation is still blowing my mind. Rachel told me later she just felt like she was supposed to open the door (even after some reprimanding from me about being more careful). Even just the fact that the girls were in the front of the house where they could hear the door is proof of God’s sovereignty. And of course, it is no accident that this young man chose to knock on their house, a house full of followers of Christ willing to show Love, even when common sense tells you not to do so.
So I guess you could say my weekend is one of stories I may never know the ending of, and I’m really okay with that. I’ve been praying for more purpose here in Lexington, and God delivered, and of course not in the way I was expecting.
My God fills me with awe & wonder, and I will praise Him forever.
I was listening to an interview with Donald Miller the other day, and he said something to the effect of this, “I believe that our self-identity comes from a source outside of us. God tells us who we are.” At first, I was like, wait what? But the more I got to thinking about it, the more I found truth in it, especially when it comes to us finding our identity in things that are not Christ, as I have a horrible history of doing.
This morning while I was praying, I was talking to God about this, and even when I find my identity in Him, what is it? That I’m a child of God? Okay. And maybe this next bit is going to prove my immaturity in this matter, but then what? I know I am a child of God, I am His, but that fact doesn’t give me any purpose in my life. That’s what I’m missing. I’ve been finding purpose through friendships, and yet again, God is taking them away from me painfully in order to show me that’s wrong. I know I can’t find purpose in what I do, I mean, I’m not exactly making a difference in the world with what I do at work. So that leaves me where…. ?
Worrying. If I’m being honest. Which is a sin. Yeah, worrying is a sin. Especially when the things I’m worrying about, like the growing apart of friendships, are out of my control. I know God is Sovereign, and I need to act more like it. How, I do not know. What I do know is that in Romans 12:12 it says to “rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.” If I’m being honest again, I suck at the first two.
So I’m going to keep thinking about what Donald Miller said, and I’m going to keep praying. But I’m especially going to keep rejoicing and being patient. And maybe somewhere, someday, I’ll wake up in this post-college life I’m leading and have purpose.
Some days I listen to Air1 at work, and today I heard this song by Sanctus Real for the first time. I’ve heard it twice today actually. And it was like God wrote this song for me to sing. This is where I am right now. It’s fairly new, and I wanted to share it with whoever stumbles across this. It’s called “Forgiven”:
Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I am reminded of the wrong that I have said and done
And that devil just won’t let me forget
In this life I know what I’ve been
But here in Your arms I know what I am
I’m forgiven I’m forgiven
I don’t have to carry the weight of who
I’ve been ’cause I’m forgiven
And my mistakes are running through my mind
And I relive my days in the middle of the night
And I struggle with my pain
And wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone and I cry
When I don’t fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘Cause ….
In this life I know what I’ve been
But here in Your arms I know what I am
I’m forgiven I’m forgiven
I don’t have to carry the weight of who
I’ve been ’cause I’m forgiven
Praise my Jesus for never letting me go, ’cause I sure as heck have deserved it time and again by earthly standards.
This morning I woke up, glad for it to be Friday. But on this particular Friday, I was hit hard by a realization: this is the first UK move-in day in 4 years that I will not be on campus, either moving in, or helping freshman moving in. You’re probably saying, oh geez, why does that even matter. But my very sentimental self is having trouble with it, especially considering I’m sitting only a few miles from campus at my big girl full-time job. When I was in school, I used to look forward so much to BCM Welcome Week, I could have peed my pants. It was always crazy busy – just the way I like it. Friday & Saturday were Freshmen Move-in Days followed by hanging out at night. Sunday was my favorite – Progressive dinner, Monday – Coffee House or something similar, Tuesday – first TNT, Wednesday – classes started, and Thursday – huge cookout and Bible studies. I LOVED it. Seeing people after a long summer away, meeting new freshman, watching them be awkward, and wondering who’ll stick around and make the BCM better.
So here’s to great memories, growing up, and never forgetting my first real home: the Baptist Campus Ministries of the University of Kentucky:
moving in my freshman year – Patterson Hall
my first year on Leadership Council – 2006
Hanging Around the BCM – 2006
Freshman Move-in 2007
Leadership Council – 2007
Cooking pancakes for first Midnight Pancakes – Welcome Week 2008
When I finally sat down in the second row of Mars Hill Bible Church, exhausted by the 8 hour trip and sleeping on a friend of a friend’s floor, I had no idea what to expect. The church was very inconspicuous, with no signs on the building so as we drove right past it. After 15 minutes of taking in the surroundings and watching the warehouse-type room fill up around the stage in the center, I looked up and suddenly saw Rob Bell and 2 other guys walk on stage. For a second, I got caught in the “holy crap, that’s Rob Bell 10 feet from me,” but I quickly recovered. The announcement guy said this week was gonna be special: they weren’t going to have any music (to my immense disappointment) but instead were giving the whole service to Rob to speak (to my immense pleasure). And then the next 75ish minutes were pretty cool.
[Let me preface this with the fact that I am not a huge Rob Bell fan. I enjoy NOOMA videos a lot, but do not necessarily like his writings, and am not very pro-Rob Bell doctrine/theology. That, however, did not stop me from going on this trip, or listening with an open heart and mind for what God had to tell me. And it was quite a bit.]
Rob began in Genesis 1 & 2, talking about how the earth was before sin aka how God intended it to be. He talked about us producing, ruling, subduing, and living in a blessed place. In these chapters, the earth is not a place to escape. The story starts here. Then he moved to Revelation 21 & 22, showing how when Christ comes back, He is bringing the Heavenly realm HERE; God dwells HERE. The story ends here. So many times, he said, we tell the story in relation to Genesis 3 (the Fall). Starting the story there concentrates on removing sin, on what we aren’t, and on evacuating from earth. But that’s not necessarily how it should be. Starting the story in Genesis 1 & 2 concentrates on restoration, what we are, and participating in creation.
And this all determines how WE share the story.
…the story is about Jesus’ resurrection beginning a new creation right here in the midst of the old one, about God reaffirming the goodness of creation, about anticipating the coming day when heaven & earth are one again (Rob Bell).
What I realized the most is that my hope as a follower of Christ should not be in escaping this world, but reclaiming it & overcoming it. My hope needs a good solid dose of perspective. Thanks, Rob Bell.
So while I spent 16 hours in the car and only 14 hours in Grand Rapids, I did come away with some great memories & experiences that only a ridiculous road trip with 5 friends can offer. And it was quite reaffirming that Rob Bell said God loves OCD people.
Oswald Chambers is one smart man. This is what I read yesterday morning:
It is not wrong for you to depend on your “Elijah” for as long as God gives him to you. But remember that the time will come when he must leave and will no longer be your guide and your leader, because God does not intend for him to stay…
Alone at Your “Jordan” The Jordan River represents the type of separation where you have no fellowship with anyone else, and where no one else can take your responsibility from you. You have been to the Jordan over and over again with Elijah, but now you are facing it alone. There is no use in saying that you cannot go— the experience is here, and you must go. If you truly want to know whether or not God is the God your faith believes Him to be, then go through your “Jordan” alone.
Alone at Your “Bethel” At your “Bethel” you will find yourself at your wits’ end but at the beginning of God’s wisdom. When you come to your wits’ end and feel inclined to panic— don’t! Stand true to God and He will bring out His truth in a way that will make your life an expression of worship. Put into practice what you learned while with your “Elijah”— use his mantle and pray. Make a determination to trust in God, and do not even look for Elijah anymore.
(My Utmost for His Highest, August 11)
My Elijah was my planned future. You know: high school to college, college to camp, camp back to Lexington. But now there is nothing. My “Elijah” has left, as God has willed it. No more parental financial support, no fall back of “being a college student”. And now that I’ve been back in Lexington for a week, my faith is being pushed. Will I fall back into my same habits? My same friends? My same struggles?
God has called me somewhere not here. And I’m starting to make concrete plans to make it happen. But I don’t have the support of those I need most. They have given me questions: “How are you going to make enough money to live?” “You don’t know anyone, how will you deal with being alone?” “Why would you want to leave the great job and life you have in Lexington?” And now these questions have become my questions, when in the beginning, they weren’t.
And this is the question I’ve finally come to: Where is the balance between being realistic and stepping out in faith? Because realistically, you have to factor in money, finding a job, the logistics of a situation. And I have a lot of that to consider. But also, don’t I have to just step out first and then let God catch me? I’ve been listening to stories of my friend Kyle and Chris that took an insane cross country road trip without plans, but trusting God would take care of them. And He did. Is my situation any different? I no longer have a plan, should I go ahead and keep moving forward? I know God will take care of it all, but I don’t want a comfortable life. No Christian should settle for that. And I feel like Lexington would be doing that. I’m comfortable here. It’s easy here.
I don’t want a comfortable life. That would be like staying with Elijah.
taking in the surroundings and watching the warehouse-type room fill up around the stage in the center, I looked up and suddenly saw Rob Bell and 2 other guys walk on stage. For a second, I got caught in the “holy crap, that’s Rob Bell 10 feet from me,” but I quickly recovered. The announcement guy said this week was gonna be special: they weren’t going to have any music (to my immense disappointment) but instead were giving the whole service to Rob to speak (to my immense pleasure). And then the next 75ish minutes were pretty cool.
