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Archive for November, 2007

Dear Little Girl

November 29, 2007 Leave a comment

You have found yourself down an undesirable road, and now you feel it’s the only road possible for you to keep following. You are hurt and have been for so long that you don’t remember what it was like to not feel that way. You have rejected the love given to you so much that you were forced to seek it out in other places. You gave away things you can give away only once. You live in such a shadow that the cold has made you numb.

But it doesn’t have to be like that, little girl.

I have been down that road. I remember what it was like to be so depressed it hurt. I remember wanting to do nothing but rebel against all I knew in my heart to be true because rebelling was the easy thing at the time. But it did not satisfy. It only pushed me deeper into despair. I cast my own shadow and then forced myself to live under its weight of unrealistic expectations and out of control fears. To return to the correct path seemed to be too much effort, and I was so, so tired. I made choices I regret to this day. I made choices that have consequences I still deal with today. But only I made those choices. No one else did by their seeming over-protectiveness or oppression to my freedom.

Little girl, do you know how I made it back on the right path? I realized the selfishness in my ways. I realized I was miserable because I was living for myself. I believed I was a good person and because of that I could be around those throwing their lives away with bad decisions. It was nothing but arrogance. Yes, it was hard to get back. Yes, it took more effort than I thought I had. But do you know where I got my strength?

From the very place you are running.

When I was a little girl, I was taught that God would never leave me or forsake me, but I felt that He had. In reality, I had left Him. When I was a little girl, God seemed powerful enough to do anything, but I felt I had grown up to the point that this was unrealistic. In reality, He is bigger than my mind can fathom. It was only when I put my beliefs in myself away and surrendered that I was able to begin climbing out of the depression. It was only after I threw away religion and found a relationship. A relationship with God that never disappoints. Notice I did not say never hard, but it never disappoints.

Little girl, I tell you this because I love you, and I haven’t told you I love you enough. Little girl, I tell you this because I am sad about the choices you have made. I know I could not have stopped you, but I did not warn you as I should have. For that, I am sorry. But, little girl, do not tarry down this road too much longer. Every day you walk this way, the more scars it leaves.

Take it from me, little girl, for I could show you my scars.

Categories: Life Tags: , ,

Happy Thanksgiving i guess…

November 23, 2007 Leave a comment

It’s Thanksgiving. I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy in a comfy recliner with a full stomach after a day of family. We went around the table today and talked about how we are all grateful we were raised in a home that taught the importance of God’s Word. I should be warm and content.

But I’m caught all up in myself.

I’m scared. I’m scared of the near future. I’m scared of my new, close friendships. I’m scared of my close friendships I’m in the process of losing. I’m scared of graduating college. I’m scared of never getting better.

What do all those fears have in common? They all begin with I.

I have lost my passion and my love for my Savior. Right now, He is Lord in my life, but not my Savior. He serves as a Ruler and not my best friend and lover. Unfortunately, I do not know what to do except keep doing the things I am doing. Also unfortunately, the things I am doing are just making things worse. I read the Word out of obligation, I do my BCM duties because I am a leader, I sit for all hours at the BCM because of the fellowship, not to be there for other people.

I am praying more, and because of this, I know things will get better.

In the meantime, I am toying with the idea of removing myself. I don’t want to, but maybe it’s for the best. I am beginning to see things from the past creep up again in new situations. But removing myself from my BCM responsibilities is not possible or desireable. So, if anyone happens to read this, please pray for me.

Pray that I may be fueled with a fire for others and not myself.
Pray that my friends persevere with me through my trials.
Pray that the Lord will continue to weigh on me as He is now, even as much as it scares me now.

Categories: Life, Ministry Tags: , , , ,