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Archive for January, 2008

Irony can sometimes be cruel.

January 31, 2008 1 comment

Life is weird.

A good friend called me upset last night because another friend (to protect all parties involved, and confuse me years from now when I reread this, we’ll call this person K) has really disregarded my friends’ feelings, and doesn’t realize what K is doing. My friend was upset, very upset, to the point of tears and expletives. I sat and listened because I know my friend wasn’t looking for answers, even though I kept being asked, “What do I do?” I tried to be as good a friend as I could.
At one point, my friend said, “I feel so stuck. I just want to call or text, but K won’t give me any answer that will make me feel better. I just want to go over there and explain it, tell K how I feel, but K won’t understand. I just want to disappear.”

Why is this ironic, you ask?

Because about a year ago, I was in the same boat with this very friend. I wanted nothing more than call this friend, explain how I was hurt, and make my argument. This very friend hurt me, upset me to the point of tears and expletives, and didn’t understand. The words that came out of my friend’s mouth last night were practically the same words I uttered.

Even though all that happened, we have remained good friends, although my friend still doesn’t know or understand how I felt then. My friend has moved on in life to a different set of friends, and I have come to accept my role in my friend’s life. It took a long time to get to this place for me. And so last night, my friend calls me?! Am I being used? My friend knows I will be there. My friend knows I still have great love, and my friend, I believe, still has great love for me. My friend talks about having nothing left here and wanting to disappear. I AM HERE. I understand that my friend is hurting, and I will never leave my friend without support, but where is my own personal line to walk away?

Categories: Life Tags: , ,

Soul:1, Flesh:0

Our flesh has a crappy way of keeping score. I mean, I’m sitting here watching the Colbert Report, with Eric Reiner saying he has finally figured out that money doesn’t buy happiness. Well, gee, give him the Nobel Prize for that.

I’m tired of the way we keep score, but I’m also tired of hearing people tell us that we aren’t “poor college kids.” It’s all relative, ya know?! Sure, in comparison to kids my age in Africa, I’m freakin’ Steve Jobs, but when I look around me sitting in, say, choir class, I feel like the bottom rung of the ladder.

You want to know how I want to keep score? In love. But not how much love I receive. I want to keep score by how much love I give. When my roommates leave a sink of dirty dishes, show love. When I feel like gossipping about the next potential break-up, show love. When I want to snap at someone for being late, show love.

Want to know my score? If not, stop reading then, ’cause I’m going to tell you:
I have an amazing parents who never failed to teach me love, even the hard way sometimes.
I have a few people here at UK who always have a hug or a smack on the head, which ever is needed. They don’t put up with my crap, and they trust me with theirs.
I have a leadership position that allows me to learn more than I could ever teach.
I have a passion for my future career, and the talent to help me enjoy it.
I have my past, which propels me forward so as not to experience it again.
I have a relationship with the Creator of the Universe, and my mind cannot fathom His Greatness.

I’m freakin’ rich.

Categories: Life Tags: , ,

No Answers

I haven’t been sleeping well lately, and I can’t figure out why.

I mean, I’m not worrying about anything really, I’m not drinking excessive amounts of caffeine (almost none, actually), and I’m not working with a messed-up sleeping pattern (yet…I have to work quite early in the morning).

I thought I’d have more thoughts right here, maybe say something profound to make myself feel better and maybe mean something for someone who reads this. But I don’t, and maybe I don’t need it. Maybe for once in my life it’s ok not having any answers. I mean, I really don’t have any answers:

I don’t know where my money is going to come from for the Dominican trip.
As a matter of fact, I don’t know where my money is going to come from for food and rent.
I don’t know what happens after I graduate.
I don’t know when or if my future husband will show up.
I don’t know what God’s plan is.

But I guess it’s ok, and I’ll just keep trying to go to sleep.

Categories: Life Tags: , ,