Archive for February, 2008

Happy 1 year. not.

February 21, 2008 1 comment

A year ago stuff was getting bad; you were getting frustrated with my problem that I had yet to realize was a sickness. Now, at this time this year, you decide you want to be back in my life in a bigger way. You are still changed. You are not who I fell in love with, and yet the way you treat me has become like it used to be. It’s not that I am not grateful for it, but I am confused. Why now? It will be soon that we will no longer be in the same physical place. Do you feel like you need to make the most of our time left together? Well, you should have thought about that every time I told you I loved you and you said nothing. You should have thought about that every time I wanted to hang out and you tried to play off that you couldn’t. We both know I saw through it. You should have thought about that when all the fears I had about us came true.

But you know I won’t desert you. Why is this? Am I someone you feel as though you can go back to whenever you feel like it? You used to tell me how much you craved spending time with me. Now, it’s whenever you have no one else? You know I will drop what I’m doing and come to your aid. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. We went through things together that have changed me for the rest of my life.

And yet I can’t tell you all this to your face. 1: I don’t think you’ll care. 2: Almost too much time has passed. 3: The fear of the pain of you being indifferent to me again is too great.
Instead I vent to a blog that few people read, especially not you. You’ll never see this.

All this because it’s been a year and similar situations are arising. What happened with us is ruining my current relationships. AGAIN. I do not blame you, don’t get me wrong. But I DO want to walk away from you. For my health. I want to not call you, text you, or see you. No matter how many dinners you buy me, rides you give me, or times you tell me you love me now. I don’t want you to call me looking for comfort because things are catching up with you, I don’t want you calling to ask if I’m ok. Not because I don’t need them, but because I NEED TO NOT NEED THEM.

But I could never tell you this.

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