Home > Life, Ministry > Confusion reigns.

Confusion reigns.

So I’ve been back from the Dominican Republic for 11 days now, and more has happened in those 11 days than has happened most of this year.
The culture shock wore off sometime this weekend, but the confusion about how what I experienced is going to translate in my life had only been heightened, and the events of last night and this morning have only muddied the water further.

I thought I was going to graduate early. I mean, I only need 16 credits. And then I thought I wanted to work with Edge or some ministry like that full-time, but I felt stupid talking about it because who’s calling gets defined by one Spring Break mission trip? But the more I thought about it, it was no small feat how I got the money to go. It’s true that God has shown me where I’m going to use my skills for video and graphic design – to educate the world about the water crisis and continue to take more trips like I just took.

But I did jump the gun. I’m not done here. But I ignored that feeling until God decided to wake me up in the middle of the night Sunday night with an overwhelming need to pray. So I did. And he brought to mind some people I need to be here for to disciple and lead for an entire year next year.

I’ve even talked with some people at Edge about it, and still plan on taking part in their ministry while I’m still in school. Well, that settles it, right? Case closed. Wrong. Last night and this morning I think I got more confused than I’ve been since I’ve been back. If I’m not done here in Lexington yet, how are the decisions that have been made wise ones? They don’t make any sense. I’m not trying to say I know what’s right, but I do know what’s wrong, and I do know I’m not alone in thinking these things.

I know time is supposed to heal things and God will show His plan through this, but I am so angry right now that I don’t feel like I’ll ever not be. My anger is so strong I was irrational, and almost was disrespectful in ways that would not have been appropriate or wise. But I feel as though my anger is not unfounded.

I understand that sometimes we must live with the consequences of our decisions, and God will even take our wrong ones and use them for His glory. I just pray, oh boy do I pray, it’s not at the expense of some people who want to do nothing but serve unselfishly. But this fear is already materializing. I do not want to judge, but I feel whole-heartedly that selfishness was chosen over selflessness.

I am not happy with this, at all. And I don’t care who knows it.

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