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can’t sleep…

September 28, 2008 1 comment

it’s after 2:30 am. not my time of day to be awake. but i can’t sleep. my mind is so full, and i have no idea how to empty it. i filled myself up wth other things: didn’t work. i busied my hands to keep my mind the same: didn’t work. i used all the hot water in the apartment: didn’t work.

today has been weird. this weekend has been weird. i’ve been thinking about the timeline of my life and how crazy it is. God’s humor is so evident in so many things, it gives me pleasure to realize my Creator enjoys his creation. just the events that have led me to this point: the Domincan Repulic trip, camp and all that encompassed, my screw-ups this semester, and my opportunities as of recently. what is it leading to for me?

i know i may not get to find out this answer, but to tell you the truth, the way i’ve been acting, i wonder if i’ll ever be ready. do i need to do this before i’m ready in order to make myself ready? ha, how’s that for a sentence at this insane time of night.

i don’t want to leave.

but it’s time for me to go. to let go.

i was sitting with my best friend tonight in silence, relishing the time together. but i couldn’t say anything. i just couldn’t. at what point can you not say anything to the person you can tell anything and everything? it saddens my heart. tonight i felt a pang in my heart i had not felt in a long time. i’m not going to type what that pang was, because it’s scary, and may scare anyone who reads this. it was not a welcome feeling, and i had to physically remove myself in order for it to go away.

does God create some people in such a way that they aren’t meant to ever find contentment? is that how it’s supposed to be? is life on this earth supposed to be so unfulfilling? or when it is fulfilling, is that contentment supposed to be so fleeting?

i want to be filled to overflowing with the Creator of the universe. why am i so empty when that is all i desire?

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Categories: Life Tags: , , ,

Living with Loving Intensely: ii

September 24, 2008 1 comment

Life never seems to hand you one thing at a time. It always opens up the sky and downpours right as you put away the umbrella cause you think you’ve got it under control. My life has been nothing but intense situations the past couple of days. So I think I’m gonna be pretty transparent this early morning at work. Yes, I know this is the Internet and that’s a dangerous thing, but truthfully, not many people read this, and if someday they do, I hope God uses this for His glory…

I was thinking back last night to one of the roughest times in my life. It was around Easter a year and a half ago. My life had spiraled down to the point that I wasn’t sleeping, eating, or much of anything. I pretty much laid in bed all day. My mom came up from Florida to stay with me, and I remember waking up in the hotel room bed, sticking my head under the pillow and bawling uncontrollably because I knew this was something I couldn’t fix.

I thought I had screwed up my life. I had made choices that brought me to that place. I wasn’t worth the blessings I still had, and I didn’t feel worthy enough to stay on this planet.

But God is bigger than my screw-ups. He is bigger than my situations, and He is bigger than my relationships. When I feel consumed by these things: especially the latter two, I have to remember how small they are in comparison to His Love for me. Gosh, that sounds so cliche and corny, but when you’ve felt it, it’s anything but.

This summer, at camp, I wondered if I’d ever be able to move past my screw-ups. I wondered if I’d ever be able to depend on God anywhere near how I should. And though the whole summer I never ‘felt’ God, was never able to get into the ‘zone’ and worship Him, He still blessed my desire to make things better in my life. It didn’t happen quickly, in fact it didn’t come to fruition until I left camp, but it happened. And yes, now that I realize what I’ve got: 4 relationships where I am challenged, loved, encouraged, and given opportunities to love and encourage, I want to go back to camp and appreciate them in that environment.

Instead, I pray.

I pray for the struggles, I pray for the relationships, I pray for the pain, I pray for the busyness, and I most certainly pray for the love. And while sometimes I feel like praying is talking to a wall, I have come to realize when I do it with a believing heart, it’s the most powerful thing I can be doing for them.

So while my life may be a waiting game right now and is going to change drastically in a few short months, and while my friendships that once were strong are slipping through my grasping fingertips, and while the place that once felt like home and now is my literal home is the most uncomfortable place in the world, I continue to pray. And you know what? I’m ok. Not fine, mind you, but ok. 🙂

“Therefore, do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have the need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what was promised.” Hebrews 10:32-33

Living with Loving Intensely:

September 16, 2008 1 comment

I’ve found myself to have fallen into a new circle of friends, and I’m starting to critically examine not only how & why it happened, but whether or not I want it to stay that way. Where does one draw the line at being a good friend? New relationships bring about a change, so is it the duty of the supportive best friend to go along? Is it necessary in order to preserve the friendship? Or is it selfish to resist the change & want some continuity from a best friend?

I have gotten into trouble before with aligning my life and another’s too much. This has caused me to be extremely fearful & cautious of this happening again. And it hasn’t. I have my own life. But God has created me with a huge capacity to love, & love intensely. This makes me extremely loyal & willing to fight for my friendships. But where is the line?

It’s not that I don’t like my new circle, but I wouldn’t have necessarily chosen it. I just don’t feel accepted into it, a welcome part of it. I hope that it just takes time. But when a best friend changes because of a relationship, I am presented with the choice to assimilate, or spend very little time with her. Is that fair? As much as I don’t like the choice, is it just part of life, no fault of anyone? It’s not as though it’s been easy for my best friend, taking on a new realm of everything, but at least she has the benefit of a relationship! I get a little more neglect, a lot less affection, and a struggle in order to spend time with her. I have to wait for this new circle to decide its plans & then wait for my best friend to include me in them. If I make my own plans, I am almost always on my own or forgotten about. When is it ok to be upset by this? It makes me feel that any time I get with my best friend must be taken advantage of, because I don’t get much of it. And if it isn’t taken advantage of, but it spent awkwardly or forced, is it a sign it’s time to let go?

I want to fight for it, but I’m tired of taking one for the team over & over. In the past, I would just keep taking it & taking it. But I’ve changed, I have a greater sense of self-worth. I deserve to feel loved. I deserve to have time spent with me. I deserve to be appreciated. I just don’t know what to do.

this world is evil. just plain evil.

September 11, 2008 Leave a comment

It’s funny how this world works, ya know? Without getting into why God would make the world when He, being omnicscient, knew Satan would do what he did, and just let him run his evil all over the place, I really have been thinking about spiritual warfare today. Maybe it’s because I feel as though I’m undergoing a lot right now.

There’s this book I read the summer before last called This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti. It’s about the story of two small town newpaper reporters and a pastor investigating and battling a cult-like New Age group that have infiltrated their town. The crazy thing about it is the spiritual aspect to the novel. There is a very contemporary view of angels, demons, and prayer. The angels and the demons actually fight each other, get injured, battle over the thoughts of people, and even delve into the physical realm to scare or encourage the humans. It was an amazing book and really changed my view on a lot of things, especially prayer. In the novel, angels are given power and strength through prayer and the demons are likewise distracted from their evil tasks.

Without getting into the theology of all this, I was sitting in class today and got a familiar twinge of anxiety in my stomach. The reason is besides the point, but it was about something that I have absolutely no control over, no matter how hard I try. And I started to think about how Satan was trying to get me to worry, to panic, and to try and manipulate situations in order to make myself feel better. Well, sitting in class trying to pay attention to a lecture on telephony, one can imagine how my mind could be consumed with this.

Why do we get attacked spiritually? I’ve always thought that unless you’re doing something right, Satan leaves you alone. So, I’ve been honored when put under spiritual attack. But still, it made me wonder what I’m doing right. Is it my plans to leave Lexington in the near future? If so, Satan knows where to hit me: my fears about my friendships continuing. My fears about losing my best friend to a boy. My fears about being no longer needed by those I have invested in for years and have invested in me. What worth are they if it just all can go away without a fight or even an acknowledgement?

All of that to say this: I used to be told that I have a choice. I can wake up in the morning and choose to by happy. So I’m trying. Thus far today, I have not exactly succeeded, but I’m working on it. Circumstances keep arising telling me to act otherwise, telling me my fears are not unfounded, but I must press on. God is refining me, and the thing about that is it hurts. I don’t call this blog “Refined by the Fire” for nothing. It’s a reminder for me, as well.

Categories: Life, Ministry Tags: , ,

A night of realizations.

September 3, 2008 Leave a comment

I’m laying on the couch alone with multiple people angry with me and my recent actions. And though if those people were to read this, they would not believe me when I say I’m done with all that. For real this time. I’ve never actually said it, but this time I am. But I’m going to have to prove it with my actions now. And that’s ok. My friends love me enough to give me tough love, too. I’m blessed like that. As much as I just want everything to be okay right now, I know this is going to take time, and I did that to myself.

There was a time when this would happen and I would see no light at the end of the tunnel. I’d be so wrapped up in my actions that I wouldn’t see the bigger picture. And this causes me to realize how far I’ve come. I also realize, though, that I cannot trust myself with some things. It’s not the people, it’s not the stress, it’s all me.

I’ve come to a turning point in my life. This summer prepared me for this, I know that now. If camp had no other point for me, it was so when I got to this day, I knew I could do it. Not to say I’m not scared, well downright terrified actually, but I know in the end, I’ll be ok. Not just fine, but perfectly ok.

I am scared I’m not ready. But I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to leave some things. The good thing is I’ve got those things so close to my heart, they don’t have any choice but to come with me, even if its not physically.

God has shown me something tonight I haven’t ever fully tried to fathom: grace. And while I don’t claim to have a grasp on such a concept, I have willingly accepted it for the first time in my life. God has protected me while I was in the middle of my irresponsibility, and I’m done having to be in the position to realize that. I only hope the most important people realize I’m telling the truth and I’m sorry.

Categories: Life Tags: , , , , ,