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Archive for November, 2008

Living with Loving Intensely: iii

November 28, 2008 Leave a comment

I’ve tried to sit down and write something all Thanksgiving break. But everytime I’ve started, I’ve typed about a paragraph and then quit.

But now I sit here staring at our huge Christmas tree we put up today and watch my dad sneak up behind my mom, wrap his arms around her, and kiss her. After 27 years, he still loves her more than life. Will I ever find that? It seems like all around me, my friends are finding it. Weddings, parents permission, my single little self sitting alone at an engagement party flanked by my coupled friends… I am not bitter. No, really, I’m not. I am perfectly content with God’s timing. But it’s just that I’m coming to the end of a very big chapter in my life in just 3 short weeks: college. I never imagined that I would have a ring on my finger by 22, even though I wouldn’t have complained. The thing is I’ve begun to question love.

Not love as in the concept of it: I’ve seen couples that stay married and so in love for more than 50 years. And certainly my God loves me with an unconditional and just love that my mind cannot fathom. He IS love. But what I’ve begun to question is my capacity to love in such a way that it lasts. I have yet to sustain a friendship from childhood: as soon as distance was inserted, they all fell apart. And just the opposite has become true more than once, my closest friendships have been those that fell apart quickest.

This is not some “pity me” emo post. This is my crying out for the friendships I’m losing. I could very well leave Lexington in a few weeks if I want, and I will be for sure in the near future. Will anyone bother to keep up with me? Have I established any true friendships? I used to think I had some for sure, but now my confidence isn’t so high. It’s amazing what the presence of a boy does to friendships with those that are single…

Even with all this I keep going back to the line of a Phil Wickham song that came up on my iPod the other night while I was driving the windy road near Cumberland Falls in the pitch black. It goes something like this: “I want to hear the thunder of who You are / to be captured inside the wonder of who You are” Why can’t I just be so caught up in the mystery of my Creator that I let all my circumstances fall into place? Including my friendships. I trust that God will sustain the friendships I need, and even take them away to increase my dependance on Him, but that doesn’t mean I like it…

Romans 13:8 – Let no debt remain outstanding except our continued debt to love each other…

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The little things.

November 19, 2008 Leave a comment

I felt like today I needed to celebrate the little things. Specifically. Mostly because I don’t want to. That’s why I need to do it.

• My best friend finished the episode of LOST we were watching before she went with her boyfriend.

• My roommate left her door open while we were home for the first time.

• I laughed with my friends from camp over Skype for an hour about nothing.

• Twilight midnight showing: ME and my best friend.

• The sun was out this afternoon walking to class.

• My mom and I had a great conversation full of laughter.

• I got 5 pages of my paper done, 5 days before it’s due!

• The space heater is sitting right next to my feet.

• I beat ‘Purple Haze’ on expert for Guitar Hero World Tour.

• My Lord let me live another day, even with all my screw ups.

Categories: Life Tags: ,

i wanna go Home.

November 17, 2008 1 comment

Last week was unlike any I’ve ever gone through. Quite high on the difficulty scale, there was little sleep, little class, much tears, and much driving, leading to a lot of playing catch-up for a lot of us this week. Not good timing with the end of the semester quickly approaching.

Yesterday, as I was pulling out of church, I was thinking about the way situations and relationships where handled this past week. Death, especially untimely and seemingly unfair death like we’ve experienced, many times brings about perspective. I used to hate that word. It brought me nothing but guilt. Now, I’m a little more keen on the subject. Anyway, I realized that no matter how I feel, I should do everything in my power to make sure people feel nothing but love from me. Even if I feel wronged, even if I want them to see my hurt, I should never make them feel anything but love. God will take care of the rest. Now, I know this sounds like another Christian cliche, but I hope you know I’m above that shit. This is truth. Easier said than done, but truth. It’s all about perspective.

Mostly the overwhelming feeling I have had this week is jealousy and anger. I am jealous that Tom and Brad got to leave this world, and angry that it wasn’t me. If that sounds morbid, so be it. This world is not my home. I don’t belong here. As a follower of Christ, I know that’s the truth. The most common thought I’ve had besides “I can’t believe he’s really gone” is “I can’t believe they got to go.” Heaven isn’t something I think about a lot, and with this perspective, (there’s that darn word again) it’s been on the forefront of my mind. I hate not being able to wrap my mind around things, and heaven is definitely one of those things. It’s times like these that I realize the fleetingness of this world, and relationships here, and my heart yearns for Home.

My heart yearns for Home.

Goodbye friend.

November 10, 2008 1 comment

tomTom, I never realized how many memories I have with you. You were in integral part of my life since you stepped foot on this campus almost 2 and a half years ago and Kristina introduced you as “Tommy,” which of course led to the infamous “Mike” story. You knew how to push my buttons right from the beginning. I remember trying to get behind in Killer when you first started playing ’cause you were BAD. I guess that’s not the case, now, huh? We have been saying all day how you’re playing with Jesus now. I said you’re losing, but Ben had a little more faith, he said you’re teaching Jesus the U-shot. 🙂

I love the final memories I have of you, from this past weekend. It was my last fall retreat, and I didn’t even want to go. I enjoyed a game of Killer with you, and we talked about the night Andrew hit me in the face with the ping-pong ball. It seemed like so long ago. And of course your accidental “shit” into the microphone that had the entire group laughing for a good 2 minutes. You always did make me smile with that mischievous grin of yours.

You were always helpful and sweet, and damn I hate using the past tense. I can’t believe this has happened. It’s the stuff that happens to other people, and you hear about it and are sad for them, but then go about your life. I can’t go about my life. I realized that when I had to call Kristina and tell her you were gone only to listen to her lose it over the phone. I wanted nothing more than to span the 70 miles that separated us.

The BCM wasn’t how you would have liked it today. An awkward hush abounded. I felt stifled after hearing about Bradley, went for a drive, only to realize I had nowhere to go. I returned just as we got the call about you. I made it downstairs before I lost it. Now that I have no one to be strong for, it’s become hard. My mind keeps telling me you’re gone, but I make myself stop before I really realized what that means. You’re GONE. Oh, gosh. Oh gosh, oh gosh.

I know you would want us to continue life. I played 2 games of Killer for you tonight, and almost beat Josh for you. I’ve been staring at my Music History notes for 7 hours now, and nothing is sticking. It’s a sucky distraction. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to lose someone. You were 20. Gosh, that damn past tense.

I want to go on, but I can’t. Oh gosh…

Categories: Ministry Tags: , , ,