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Archive for May, 2009

escape?

I’ve been at home in Somerset for almost a week now, and I wonder how long until I start calling it “my parent’s house” instead of “home”. Today has been a long day filled with long and deep conversations, and it has worn on my mind. Even now, there are so many thoughts running through my head I fear this post, the first in ages, may not have the clarity & direction I wish for it.

I leave for Jonathan Creek in 4 days. And I wonder what camp holds for me this summer. I was told by one of my best friends tonight that she doesn’t believe I’ll end up back in Lexington. This took me for a loop, because I’ve had the feeling for a month or so that I will end up in Lexington in the fall, and for a long time to come. When I look back at where I thought I’d be at this point, it amazes me. Just six months ago I wanted nothing more than to live in Louisville. Just three months ago I wanted nothing more than to be preparing for 2 years in South America. And now, not only do I not know where I want to be, but more importantly, I don’t know where God wishes for me to be.

But back to camp. Oh, Jonathan Creek. As the time approaches for my departure, I feel the anxiety as I did last summer before I left. I worry about the dynamics of camp this summer. I know it will be nothing like last summer, but what will it be like? I fear as though I am treating it as my escape. It is true that camp is nothing like real life: relationships are either amplified or diminished exponentially, the outside world seems to lose its importance, and God moves in bigger ways than you thought possible.

But if I use camp as an escape, will these things not happen? Or is God going to go ahead and blow my mind? Last summer I experienced healing without feeling His presence, and it changed me. This summer, am I finally going to get a peak into where I’m going and what I’m going to be doing for Him? I can only hope.

You see, God has brought into my life people I feel as though I have wasted time with. People I want more time with. People that others don’t understand why I love so much. Honestly, I don’t either. But it happened, and for once, it’s different. It’s different in a lot of ways, including my sister, my past, and my future. How’s that for confusion?

All that to say this: I know I have a choice coming. Here is what I see as options:
• Move into my parent’s home in Somerset, and take a job substitute teaching & coaching basketball at my uncle’s school. Free. Somerset.
• Move back to Lexington, and live with married friends of mine until I get onto my feet & accept a promotion at my current job. Balance issues. Lexington.
• Accept a job from something coming from camp, whether it be a church with a media position, or a permanent job with camp. Starting over.

And thus the praying continues.

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