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Archive for April, 2010

1 john 4:18?

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

So this past weekend came to light something: intense fear. And as soon as I realized it, I began to work through it. This verse keeps coming into my head. And you know what? It pisses me off. Maybe not the verse itself, but the fact that I obviously don’t understand perfect love and cannot accept it because I am still afraid.

The past two days I have continually been pissed off. I don’t want to talk to anybody, mostly because I’m pretty sure they might get unintended and misdirected ire. The crappy thing is I can’t figure out where it should be directed.

I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to type next. I know this is the Internet and anyone who stumbles upon this can read it, so I don’t want to be too open, but I am a very sincere person. So whatever.

One thing I know is that the devil’s temptings are right here next to me. I have recently had a breakthrough in the hurt and guilt I possessed over some sin of mine, and the devil is pissed that he no longer has me convinced that this sin is what I wanted deep down in my being. I feel like he’s cut his loss and moved on. He’s taken the strides the Spirit and I made this weekend in regard to my future move and my view on leaving Lexington and made me scared.

Even in the last few hours, as I’ve sat at work finishing up for the day, old topics of fear have returned, mostly having to do with a best friend who has decided that her boyfriend is more important than almost anything else. My relationships are the most important things to me in this life, and they are becoming full of fear. Again. This is not how it should be.

So if you think about it, say a prayer for me please. In the meantime, I’ll be asking for something God says He will give abundantly¬†if we ask: wisdom.

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