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I can’t get over this feeling that God is punishing me. That I was created to love others well, but never be loved, or capable of receiving it, even from Him. How can I have such faith in God’s promises for other people but not believe they are for me? I was created with this sickness and it makes me feel like lesser of a person. Less of a woman, less of a saint. Why do I get so angry that this is the hand I’ve been dealt? I see those I live falling in love, getting married, having kids, careers and even serving Him in great ways – in schools, hospitals, and even overseas. And I take pills to function, try not to starve from being broke, and long for a boy that obviously didn’t want a future with me. My brain knows all the Sunday School answers, and my heart yearns for it to be true because the alternative is just plain impossible to take.

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different loves.

February 21, 2011 Leave a comment

I know that there are different types of love languages, that we give and receive love differently. so what do you do when you are put in a situation where the love language involved needs physical proximity? ’cause I feel like that situation is smacking me right in the face over and over again.

it’s no secret if you know me that my close relationships are very important to me. and if you really know me, you know that my love language is quality time (and physical touch as a close second). so me being 12 hours from those I am closest to has proved oh so very difficult. and the longer I am here, the harder it is becoming. granted, I am thankful for the modern technology of email, facebook, and especially skype. but we all know it’s no substitue for spending real time together.

so I’ve been attempting to receive love differently, with words of affirmation especially, but even those are sparse. and as time goes, I fear how time with an absence of love in a relationship affects the it. it’s amazing how deep love languages run in us. while I am amazed at how uniquely God has made us, it is seeming to only hurt me right now.

Living with Loving Intensely: iv

December 6, 2008 1 comment

I hate posts that sound like they are just a pity party. I hate sounding emo. But I have to vent; I have to ponder.

I don’t know when I’ll be leaving. Yes, in weeks I will be a graduate of the University of Kentucky, but I don’t know when the next chapter of my life begins away from here. So, I am becoming sentimental. I am like that to begin with, but now I’m even more so. Maybe it’s making all this come to light more potently in my mind. Either way, I’m tired of feeling like this, and the fact that I am strong enough to walk away from it makes me very, very sad.

Would you rather not spend time with someone who is important to you, or feel ignored when you do get to spend time together?

This question is staring me in the face. Soon, it will not matter, but I want to take advantage of the time I have left with those who have been integral in my life these past few years. But to tell you (whoever you are) the truth, I’m freakin’ tired of feeling unappreciated. I feel as though I do my part; I put the effort into my end. I offer to fix dinner, make sure I’m quiet when others are sleeping, and automatically buy athletic tickets. Do I ever get a hug or an ‘I love you’? Nope. Do I ever get even a thank you? Nope. I’m not saying I need it, but it would be nice.

And then when I feel like I have the nerve to bring it up, one of two things keeps me from doing it: 1- an intense fear of spending any of the time we have left in the same physical place with you being mad at me, or 2- remembering a text message from you asking why you can never make me happy, why I have to get upset with stupid things.

I don’t know what to do. Frankly, I have other friends who are more concerned about me, and spending time with me. But they are not here. They wish they got the chance to be in the same place as me. I am worth spending time with, worth loving. Maybe it’s time to cut my losses of those that no longer reciprocate and move on.

I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Why do you no longer treat me like I’m important?

Living with Loving Intensely: iii

November 28, 2008 Leave a comment

I’ve tried to sit down and write something all Thanksgiving break. But everytime I’ve started, I’ve typed about a paragraph and then quit.

But now I sit here staring at our huge Christmas tree we put up today and watch my dad sneak up behind my mom, wrap his arms around her, and kiss her. After 27 years, he still loves her more than life. Will I ever find that? It seems like all around me, my friends are finding it. Weddings, parents permission, my single little self sitting alone at an engagement party flanked by my coupled friends… I am not bitter. No, really, I’m not. I am perfectly content with God’s timing. But it’s just that I’m coming to the end of a very big chapter in my life in just 3 short weeks: college. I never imagined that I would have a ring on my finger by 22, even though I wouldn’t have complained. The thing is I’ve begun to question love.

Not love as in the concept of it: I’ve seen couples that stay married and so in love for more than 50 years. And certainly my God loves me with an unconditional and just love that my mind cannot fathom. He IS love. But what I’ve begun to question is my capacity to love in such a way that it lasts. I have yet to sustain a friendship from childhood: as soon as distance was inserted, they all fell apart. And just the opposite has become true more than once, my closest friendships have been those that fell apart quickest.

This is not some “pity me” emo post. This is my crying out for the friendships I’m losing. I could very well leave Lexington in a few weeks if I want, and I will be for sure in the near future. Will anyone bother to keep up with me? Have I established any true friendships? I used to think I had some for sure, but now my confidence isn’t so high. It’s amazing what the presence of a boy does to friendships with those that are single…

Even with all this I keep going back to the line of a Phil Wickham song that came up on my iPod the other night while I was driving the windy road near Cumberland Falls in the pitch black. It goes something like this: “I want to hear the thunder of who You are / to be captured inside the wonder of who You are” Why can’t I just be so caught up in the mystery of my Creator that I let all my circumstances fall into place? Including my friendships. I trust that God will sustain the friendships I need, and even take them away to increase my dependance on Him, but that doesn’t mean I like it…

Romans 13:8 – Let no debt remain outstanding except our continued debt to love each other…

Living with Loving Intensely: ii

September 24, 2008 1 comment

Life never seems to hand you one thing at a time. It always opens up the sky and downpours right as you put away the umbrella cause you think you’ve got it under control. My life has been nothing but intense situations the past couple of days. So I think I’m gonna be pretty transparent this early morning at work. Yes, I know this is the Internet and that’s a dangerous thing, but truthfully, not many people read this, and if someday they do, I hope God uses this for His glory…

I was thinking back last night to one of the roughest times in my life. It was around Easter a year and a half ago. My life had spiraled down to the point that I wasn’t sleeping, eating, or much of anything. I pretty much laid in bed all day. My mom came up from Florida to stay with me, and I remember waking up in the hotel room bed, sticking my head under the pillow and bawling uncontrollably because I knew this was something I couldn’t fix.

I thought I had screwed up my life. I had made choices that brought me to that place. I wasn’t worth the blessings I still had, and I didn’t feel worthy enough to stay on this planet.

But God is bigger than my screw-ups. He is bigger than my situations, and He is bigger than my relationships. When I feel consumed by these things: especially the latter two, I have to remember how small they are in comparison to His Love for me. Gosh, that sounds so cliche and corny, but when you’ve felt it, it’s anything but.

This summer, at camp, I wondered if I’d ever be able to move past my screw-ups. I wondered if I’d ever be able to depend on God anywhere near how I should. And though the whole summer I never ‘felt’ God, was never able to get into the ‘zone’ and worship Him, He still blessed my desire to make things better in my life. It didn’t happen quickly, in fact it didn’t come to fruition until I left camp, but it happened. And yes, now that I realize what I’ve got: 4 relationships where I am challenged, loved, encouraged, and given opportunities to love and encourage, I want to go back to camp and appreciate them in that environment.

Instead, I pray.

I pray for the struggles, I pray for the relationships, I pray for the pain, I pray for the busyness, and I most certainly pray for the love. And while sometimes I feel like praying is talking to a wall, I have come to realize when I do it with a believing heart, it’s the most powerful thing I can be doing for them.

So while my life may be a waiting game right now and is going to change drastically in a few short months, and while my friendships that once were strong are slipping through my grasping fingertips, and while the place that once felt like home and now is my literal home is the most uncomfortable place in the world, I continue to pray. And you know what? I’m ok. Not fine, mind you, but ok. 🙂

“Therefore, do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have the need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what was promised.” Hebrews 10:32-33

Living with Loving Intensely:

September 16, 2008 1 comment

I’ve found myself to have fallen into a new circle of friends, and I’m starting to critically examine not only how & why it happened, but whether or not I want it to stay that way. Where does one draw the line at being a good friend? New relationships bring about a change, so is it the duty of the supportive best friend to go along? Is it necessary in order to preserve the friendship? Or is it selfish to resist the change & want some continuity from a best friend?

I have gotten into trouble before with aligning my life and another’s too much. This has caused me to be extremely fearful & cautious of this happening again. And it hasn’t. I have my own life. But God has created me with a huge capacity to love, & love intensely. This makes me extremely loyal & willing to fight for my friendships. But where is the line?

It’s not that I don’t like my new circle, but I wouldn’t have necessarily chosen it. I just don’t feel accepted into it, a welcome part of it. I hope that it just takes time. But when a best friend changes because of a relationship, I am presented with the choice to assimilate, or spend very little time with her. Is that fair? As much as I don’t like the choice, is it just part of life, no fault of anyone? It’s not as though it’s been easy for my best friend, taking on a new realm of everything, but at least she has the benefit of a relationship! I get a little more neglect, a lot less affection, and a struggle in order to spend time with her. I have to wait for this new circle to decide its plans & then wait for my best friend to include me in them. If I make my own plans, I am almost always on my own or forgotten about. When is it ok to be upset by this? It makes me feel that any time I get with my best friend must be taken advantage of, because I don’t get much of it. And if it isn’t taken advantage of, but it spent awkwardly or forced, is it a sign it’s time to let go?

I want to fight for it, but I’m tired of taking one for the team over & over. In the past, I would just keep taking it & taking it. But I’ve changed, I have a greater sense of self-worth. I deserve to feel loved. I deserve to have time spent with me. I deserve to be appreciated. I just don’t know what to do.