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Tom & Brad: 1 Year Later.

November 9, 2009 2 comments

Tom - at Fall RetreatBrad - at Fall Retreat

I can’t believe it’s been a year…

I was filling up at a gas station in Richmond while the girls went inside for a bathroom break and caffeine. I was excited to be the first car getting back to Lexington; I was exhausted and ready to graduate school in a little over a month. I’d had a good weekend at Fall Retreat, my last one, but nothing spectacular or earth-shattering for me. I had a massive test in my hardest class, Music History, on my mind, and I hadn’t started the incredibly large amount of studying.

But then I got the phone call.

It was from Erin, who was in Lexington, wanting to know if we were okay. I was so confused. But then she cleared it up for me. I had to go in the gas station and get the girls and we prayed and took off to Lexington. Then the phone call & text message floodgate opened.

The memories of the rest of that day and the following week are still so vivid in my mind. I sat in a cubby on the 4th floor of Willy T. unsuccessfully trying to concentrate for hours. I got in my car to just drive and realized I had nowhere to go. I walked without purpose around the BCM building, my home, unable to sleep or hold a commonsensical conversation.

I avoided the stretch of Interstate for a long time. It was actually only a little under a month ago that I drove it for the first time. I cried the entire length of the new guardrail they’ve constructed. The overwhelming thought was how unfair it was that they got to leave us here. They are eternally in the presence of the Creator of the universe, and we are stuck here in a world of pain and death.

There are some things I have come to realize are forever changed about how I live because of the accident:

• I forgive much quicker.
• I don’t take time with people for granted.
These both go together. Since Tom and Brad went to be with Jesus, I try not to spend any time with unresolved conflict, or not being completely honest with those I care for. I don’t always succeed, but I have definitely seen where I normally would have held onto my hurt, I now let go easier. Time is so special.

• I invested time in those younger than me.

I didn’t like that I didn’t know Brad until that weekend. So after the accident, I purposely took more of an interest in the freshman, especially once my job fell through and I was in Lexington for the spring semester. And I thank my Lord that He brought two of those freshman into my life for good, as they are my very best friends.

• I no longer believe it couldn’t happen to me.
When someone is on their way somewhere and they are late and don’t call, I almost immediately think the worst. I no longer think something horrible like that would never happen to me. I make those I love text me when they get home safe & meaningfully tell others to be careful while driving.

I will forever cherish the memories I had with Tom. From the “Mike story” to his killer skills. From his pick-up lines to his horrible chants at my intramural football games… “B-A-P-T-I-S-T, BAPTIST CAMPUS MINISTRY!” I’m so thankful I got to spend time with him that Friday before we left for Fall Retreat. We were two of the only people in the building that morning and we played Mario Kart and Killer, reminiscing about the time Andrew hit me in the face with a ping-pong ball. He always thought that was hilarious.

I’m thinking of the May and Hall families today. I’m praying for all of us who were effected by this tragedy. And I’m thankful God spared Ben, and I still have him in my life being goofy and leading a great praise band at the BCM.

Hope will always guide me.

Tom and I - Hayride 06Brad at UK HockeyTOMnBRAD

what I wrote the night of the accident: Goodbye Friend.

Happy 1 year. not.

February 21, 2008 1 comment

A year ago stuff was getting bad; you were getting frustrated with my problem that I had yet to realize was a sickness. Now, at this time this year, you decide you want to be back in my life in a bigger way. You are still changed. You are not who I fell in love with, and yet the way you treat me has become like it used to be. It’s not that I am not grateful for it, but I am confused. Why now? It will be soon that we will no longer be in the same physical place. Do you feel like you need to make the most of our time left together? Well, you should have thought about that every time I told you I loved you and you said nothing. You should have thought about that every time I wanted to hang out and you tried to play off that you couldn’t. We both know I saw through it. You should have thought about that when all the fears I had about us came true.

But you know I won’t desert you. Why is this? Am I someone you feel as though you can go back to whenever you feel like it? You used to tell me how much you craved spending time with me. Now, it’s whenever you have no one else? You know I will drop what I’m doing and come to your aid. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. We went through things together that have changed me for the rest of my life.

And yet I can’t tell you all this to your face. 1: I don’t think you’ll care. 2: Almost too much time has passed. 3: The fear of the pain of you being indifferent to me again is too great.
Instead I vent to a blog that few people read, especially not you. You’ll never see this.

All this because it’s been a year and similar situations are arising. What happened with us is ruining my current relationships. AGAIN. I do not blame you, don’t get me wrong. But I DO want to walk away from you. For my health. I want to not call you, text you, or see you. No matter how many dinners you buy me, rides you give me, or times you tell me you love me now. I don’t want you to call me looking for comfort because things are catching up with you, I don’t want you calling to ask if I’m ok. Not because I don’t need them, but because I NEED TO NOT NEED THEM.

But I could never tell you this.

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