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Posts Tagged ‘answers’

He knows.

February 2, 2011 1 comment

I’ve been here in New Orleans for almost 5 full weeks now, and most days I find myself breaking down in tears. In the shower, at my desk while trying to reading my Bible, in my car once arriving back at my apartment from wherever, and especially while trying to worship at church.

Tonight is no different. I had a crying session in the shower after a basketball game, and then calmed myself down enough to eat a bowl of cereal (which is a huge victory these days). And when I was catching up on my blogs, I came across this post from Jon Acuff. I read it when it was originally posted, and it touched me then. But tonight, it was as if God was speaking right to me through Acuff’s words, namely this section:

““I know, my son, I know. I know, my daughter, I know. That thing you wanted is not going to happen. Not the way you’ve always dreamed. I know this hurts. I know this stings. I know you feel like I am distant or not aware of where you are and who hurt you and what you think life was supposed to be like. I know in moments like this you doubt that I can count the hairs on your head or have your best in mind. But please, I am not done. I have barely started to reveal your life to you. I am the God who satisfies your desires with good things. That is me! And when it comes to your hopes and your fears and your dreams, I know, my son, I know.”

I think of this moment as the “soft x.”

I think of the tenderness of Israel with his arms outstretched and crossed. I think of our desires and our dreams and the times they don’t work. And above all, I think of a God who wants to tell you he hears you, he loves, he knows you. He is not disconnected or disinterested in who you are and who you want to be. Today, he says,

“I know, my son, I know.””

It’s all I have to cling to right now. That God knows how I’m feeling every moment. He knows.

Categories: Life Tags: , , , , ,

soap opera life.

September 9, 2010 Leave a comment

This may be the dumbest blog post I’ve ever written.

I’ve recently started watching One Tree Hill (yeah, yeah, I know, I’m 8 years behind, that’s SO high school) and I have absolutely fallen in love with it (insert adequate props to Erin here). I just finished watching season 4, where everyone graduates high school. Then in the beginning of season 5, the show made a bold (and applauded) move and fast forwarded four years. Some had succeeded, some had not, but they all tried.

So what’s the point I’m making? Well, I feel like I’m about to be at the end of season 4 of OTH. And if what I claim about my beliefs in my God are true, than I know that my story is going to be worth telling. But for all the drama and sappy dialogue OTH has, it was true in it’s portrayal of having to try. I’ve got to trust God is going to take care of me. The only thing that’s going to hold me back is myself and my fear.

affirmations.

06.20 (608, Jon Weece) He is calling us to leave our nets behind. Nets of our comfortable vocation to where He’s calling us, where He will provide.
Obedience to Jesus Christ is the number one thing for a disciple. Peter wasn’t influential, but obedient. Jesus doesn’t want people with influence to increase their faithfulness, but people who are faithful to increase their influence.

7.1 (Romans small group study) God has equipped me with everything I need for ministry. I pray for increase in wisdom and increase in faith only. I have everything else already. I am completely equipped!

7.4 (Mike Brady) We are called to be responders, not initiators. Faith is responding to Gods promises.

7.13 (My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers) “Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and fail and get discouraged.” “It must be God first, God second, and God third, until life is faced steadily with God and no one else is of any account whatever.”

8.22 (608, Jon Weece) Acts 17:26, …God has determined the exact place for me to live.
Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.

God has given me a vision that doesn’t fit my circumstances.
I can’t speak for myself.
I can’t make plans for myself.
I only exist as an end to the glory of God.

Categories: Life, Ministry Tags: , , , ,

no question.

Sometimes in the quiet of my room at night, questions begin to creep into my mind. It’s only in these silent moments after my roommates have gone to bed and I’m looking out my bedroom window watching the twinkling lights of South Lexington that I doubt my calling. It’s amazing how these tiny instants can rule in our lives.

They aren’t that often, truthfully. And they aren’t that significant. But it’s in these little whiles that my focus slips. It’s not that easy, you know, tuning this unredeemed brain of mine to a channel that is set on heavenly things. How can I concede these grains of doubt infiltrate the abundance of confirmation I have received?

It says, ask and you shall receive. And even though I never received that colored Game Boy with Tetris, or that drum set, I have received confirmation of my call. I asked for validation, for affirmation. And it came in many forms: a conversation with my pastor, Unearthed Pictures coming to 608 & me being able to start a conversation with them, even the words of the songs I’ve been writing.

The opulence and complacency I am experiencing in this season is proof all over again. I’ve never been comfortable with comfortable. I seemingly have the dream I should want, especially at only age 23: a job I enjoy making good money, a church family that is more real to me than any I’ve ever experienced, and in the same city as my best friends. What more should a 23 year old desire, besides falling head over heels for a godly man (but I digress………)?

The glorification of my Creator as seen in my life.

And so in those quiet moments, what is the enemy desiring to steer me from? What is the disapproval of my parents keeping me from? What is the fear of poverty beckoning me to desert?

In 7 months, I’m moving to New Orleans, Louisiana.

when is it ‘acceptable’?

So I was going to write a post about how your first summer out of college is when you realize you’re grown up because all your friends go home and… you still go to work. Nothing changes. But then something came up today and prompted this post.

When you graduate from college, or even during college, people move. If not to another city or state, at least away from their college campus. But what are the reasons for these moves? And which are “acceptable” by “them”?

A Job. This is termed the most acceptable reason to pick up your life and move it elsewhere, because it is seen as going forward. I almost moved for this reason to Louisville, but my job fell through the week of my college graduation.

A Spouse/Lover. Unfortunately, in America at least, this is less acceptable than moving for a job. I know if I ever am faced with this opportunity, I will take it.

A Calling. Many may not understand this reason, but personally, this is the most important reason to do anything. But because it can only be perceived by the one doing the moving, it’s hard to convince others of the importance of it. This is how I ended up in Kentucky for college from Florida.

Something new/different (no reason in particular). I have seen acquaintances pick up and change venues, many times to a different state, just for a change. While I completely understand the feeling for this, I believe many times this can be solved by a new hobby, place to volunteer, or circle of friends. I have seen how these decisions are treated, as though the mover is immature and impulsive. It is most definitely considered the least acceptable.

And so I am faced with a choice. I am stuck somewhere between the third and the fourth reasons for a move. I have to ask myself if God is calling me to the city itself, and whether or not I can deal with the fact that many, including my parents, will see it as me just moving for no reason in particular. I graduated from college a year and a half ago, and it could be judged that I am up and going because I am unhinged and immature.

Hear me, I know that Romans 8:1 is true – that there is no condemnation in Christ. But it’s hard. If I leave my comfortable life and move 12 hours away to a place that is unknown to me for seemingly no reason but that God told me to, what happens?

An adventure.

Or a catastrophe.

What if I’m wrong about my calling?

We’ll have to wait and see. That’s what I’ll be praying about diligently from now on. If you feel moved to do so, feel free to join. I would appreciate it.

Categories: Life Tags: , , , , , ,

trust?

September 22, 2009 Leave a comment

Every morning on the way to work I turn off the radio and pray. Most of the times it’s out loud. Other times, I’m silent and try to listen. Something I’ve come to notice is how selfish my prayers are. And I don’t mean selfish as in they are all about me; I’m not 14 and viewing my God as Santa Claus. But my prayers are always for those closest to me, and the things they’re going through. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I shouldn’t pray for my best friends, my family, my future plans, etc. But my prayers still seem so self-centered. This world is hurting. There are the homeless, those without clean water, those suffering from oppression, so many even here in affluent Lexington that need Jesus. And what do I pray for in the morning? All of MY friends. Everything around ME.

Ugh.

All this has come to light because of some recent events. They started off indirectly affecting me. I’ve been praying for the situation daily for a while now. Then these events became very personal. Satan got his way with some miscommunication and some feelings, and now I find myself looking up from a pit I haven’t jumped into for quite some time.

We’ve been talking a lot around church and small group lately about trusting the Christ in others. It’s something that’s hard to do. The issue of trust isn’t usually a hard one for me. It usually takes me getting taken advantage of before I don’t trust someone. But what about the other way around. Am I trustworthy? I’d like to think so. I’m a horrible liar, which is actually a wonderful gift, and I don’t like bullshit – generally trustworthy things. But last night I wasn’t trusted by someone, and it’s made me question the Christ in me – which is horrible. I shouldn’t. But I am. And this all comes back to love. I am so loved, so why do I feel so unloved? If I could get a hundredth of that question answered, I could get by with that for the rest of my life probably.

Until then, here I am. Needing to let go, and let God. But instead re-evaluating my friendships and acting pretty stupid. Dang, why am I so hard-headed?

Categories: Life Tags: , , , , , ,

The Glory of Unfinished Stories.

September 8, 2009 3 comments

This weekend was bookended with two very random occurances, & I know I need to share them.

Thursday night I received an at-reply on Twitter from someone I didn’t know, letting me know he reads this blog and it has made him think. I responded appreciatively and offered to try to answer any questions he had. The following two days of conversation blessed my life (That’s right Azrin, if you’re reading, I want you to know you have given me something you couldn’t even realize). I was asked to put my faith into words. This may not seems like a big deal, but wait until you have to do it. I was so blown away by his searching heart, willing to email a random person to further his search for Truth. My prayer life got a dose of perspective from this young man, and I pray that this story isn’t over. Keep searching. You will know when you have found the Truth; it is God and living for Him makes it worth it to wake up in the morning.

If this wasn’t enough, what happened to me and the girls last night is still rocking my world:
Coming back from my parent’s house to Lexington, I wasn’t planning on hanging out on campus, but ended up there at a cookout. Later that night I was at the house of my best friends and we were just watching tv. Someone knocked on the door, and it was a young man wanting to plug in his cell phone so he could make a call. Now, this wasn’t the safest part of town, so I kept an eye on him, realizing he was very upset as he was talking. He came in to ask for a pen & pencil, and I proceeded to ask him if there was anything we could do for him, trying to get his story. With tears streaming down his face, he told me his mom texted him to say goodbye because she had taken a bottle of pain killers.

I was blown away, as I’m sure the girls were too. Later I ended up talking on the phone to this young man’s father, pleading with me to give him a ride to the hospital in Georgetown where his mom was (about half an hour away). As much as I was ready to up and go, I realized the safety concerns, and after a dozen phone calls, my friends Josh and Matt came to pick up this young man. Before he left, we circled around him and prayed for him and his mother. The whole situation just shook me, and thank God for His providence.

Just the way God orchestrated that whole situation is still blowing my mind. Rachel told me later she just felt like she was supposed to open the door (even after some reprimanding from me about being more careful). Even just the fact that the girls were in the front of the house where they could hear the door is proof of God’s sovereignty. And of course, it is no accident that this young man chose to knock on their house, a house full of followers of Christ willing to show Love, even when common sense tells you not to do so.

So I guess you could say my weekend is one of stories I may never know the ending of, and I’m really okay with that. I’ve been praying for more purpose here in Lexington, and God delivered, and of course not in the way I was expecting.

My God fills me with awe & wonder, and I will praise Him forever.