Posts Tagged ‘confusion’

He knows.

February 2, 2011 1 comment

I’ve been here in New Orleans for almost 5 full weeks now, and most days I find myself breaking down in tears. In the shower, at my desk while trying to reading my Bible, in my car once arriving back at my apartment from wherever, and especially while trying to worship at church.

Tonight is no different. I had a crying session in the shower after a basketball game, and then calmed myself down enough to eat a bowl of cereal (which is a huge victory these days). And when I was catching up on my blogs, I came across this post from Jon Acuff. I read it when it was originally posted, and it touched me then. But tonight, it was as if God was speaking right to me through Acuff’s words, namely this section:

““I know, my son, I know. I know, my daughter, I know. That thing you wanted is not going to happen. Not the way you’ve always dreamed. I know this hurts. I know this stings. I know you feel like I am distant or not aware of where you are and who hurt you and what you think life was supposed to be like. I know in moments like this you doubt that I can count the hairs on your head or have your best in mind. But please, I am not done. I have barely started to reveal your life to you. I am the God who satisfies your desires with good things. That is me! And when it comes to your hopes and your fears and your dreams, I know, my son, I know.”

I think of this moment as the “soft x.”

I think of the tenderness of Israel with his arms outstretched and crossed. I think of our desires and our dreams and the times they don’t work. And above all, I think of a God who wants to tell you he hears you, he loves, he knows you. He is not disconnected or disinterested in who you are and who you want to be. Today, he says,

“I know, my son, I know.””

It’s all I have to cling to right now. That God knows how I’m feeling every moment. He knows.

Categories: Life Tags: , , , , ,

soap opera life.

September 9, 2010 Leave a comment

This may be the dumbest blog post I’ve ever written.

I’ve recently started watching One Tree Hill (yeah, yeah, I know, I’m 8 years behind, that’s SO high school) and I have absolutely fallen in love with it (insert adequate props to Erin here). I just finished watching season 4, where everyone graduates high school. Then in the beginning of season 5, the show made a bold (and applauded) move and fast forwarded four years. Some had succeeded, some had not, but they all tried.

So what’s the point I’m making? Well, I feel like I’m about to be at the end of season 4 of OTH. And if what I claim about my beliefs in my God are true, than I know that my story is going to be worth telling. But for all the drama and sappy dialogue OTH has, it was true in it’s portrayal of having to try. I’ve got to trust God is going to take care of me. The only thing that’s going to hold me back is myself and my fear.

a tough question.

So a couple weeks ago at small group, we talked about how to treat each other, even when they annoy us, or hurt us, or screw us over. And I confess I haven’t been doing a good job of it lately. Not that I’ve been insulting people to their face or viciously spreading rumors behind anyone’s backs. We all can stand to improve in this area, right?

The tough question I have is what about when you’re being wronged and treated horribly and there is financial stake in it? What do you do? What if standing up for yourself and what is right is deemed selfish and you’re the enemy?

Should I let myself be walked all over for the sake of Christ? It seems like the answer should be yes without a doubt when it’s phrased that way. And I know it’s always easier said than done, but in this occasion, I know that I’m being taken advantage of. Do I not stand up for myself, lose a lot of money, and be unselfish? Or do I stand my ground, have people get very angry at me, and be accused of being un-Christian?

I don’t know what to do.

Categories: Life Tags: , ,

when is it ‘acceptable’?

So I was going to write a post about how your first summer out of college is when you realize you’re grown up because all your friends go home and… you still go to work. Nothing changes. But then something came up today and prompted this post.

When you graduate from college, or even during college, people move. If not to another city or state, at least away from their college campus. But what are the reasons for these moves? And which are “acceptable” by “them”?

A Job. This is termed the most acceptable reason to pick up your life and move it elsewhere, because it is seen as going forward. I almost moved for this reason to Louisville, but my job fell through the week of my college graduation.

A Spouse/Lover. Unfortunately, in America at least, this is less acceptable than moving for a job. I know if I ever am faced with this opportunity, I will take it.

A Calling. Many may not understand this reason, but personally, this is the most important reason to do anything. But because it can only be perceived by the one doing the moving, it’s hard to convince others of the importance of it. This is how I ended up in Kentucky for college from Florida.

Something new/different (no reason in particular). I have seen acquaintances pick up and change venues, many times to a different state, just for a change. While I completely understand the feeling for this, I believe many times this can be solved by a new hobby, place to volunteer, or circle of friends. I have seen how these decisions are treated, as though the mover is immature and impulsive. It is most definitely considered the least acceptable.

And so I am faced with a choice. I am stuck somewhere between the third and the fourth reasons for a move. I have to ask myself if God is calling me to the city itself, and whether or not I can deal with the fact that many, including my parents, will see it as me just moving for no reason in particular. I graduated from college a year and a half ago, and it could be judged that I am up and going because I am unhinged and immature.

Hear me, I know that Romans 8:1 is true – that there is no condemnation in Christ. But it’s hard. If I leave my comfortable life and move 12 hours away to a place that is unknown to me for seemingly no reason but that God told me to, what happens?

An adventure.

Or a catastrophe.

What if I’m wrong about my calling?

We’ll have to wait and see. That’s what I’ll be praying about diligently from now on. If you feel moved to do so, feel free to join. I would appreciate it.

Categories: Life Tags: , , , , , ,

1 john 4:18?

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

So this past weekend came to light something: intense fear. And as soon as I realized it, I began to work through it. This verse keeps coming into my head. And you know what? It pisses me off. Maybe not the verse itself, but the fact that I obviously don’t understand perfect love and cannot accept it because I am still afraid.

The past two days I have continually been pissed off. I don’t want to talk to anybody, mostly because I’m pretty sure they might get unintended and misdirected ire. The crappy thing is I can’t figure out where it should be directed.

I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to type next. I know this is the Internet and anyone who stumbles upon this can read it, so I don’t want to be too open, but I am a very sincere person. So whatever.

One thing I know is that the devil’s temptings are right here next to me. I have recently had a breakthrough in the hurt and guilt I possessed over some sin of mine, and the devil is pissed that he no longer has me convinced that this sin is what I wanted deep down in my being. I feel like he’s cut his loss and moved on. He’s taken the strides the Spirit and I made this weekend in regard to my future move and my view on leaving Lexington and made me scared.

Even in the last few hours, as I’ve sat at work finishing up for the day, old topics of fear have returned, mostly having to do with a best friend who has decided that her boyfriend is more important than almost anything else. My relationships are the most important things to me in this life, and they are becoming full of fear. Again. This is not how it should be.

So if you think about it, say a prayer for me please. In the meantime, I’ll be asking for something God says He will give abundantly if we ask: wisdom.

Categories: Life Tags: , , , , ,

No longer with my ‘Elijah’.

Oswald Chambers is one smart man. This is what I read yesterday morning:

It is not wrong for you to depend on your “Elijah” for as long as God gives him to you. But remember that the time will come when he must leave and will no longer be your guide and your leader, because God does not intend for him to stay…

Alone at Your “Jordan” The Jordan River represents the type of separation where you have no fellowship with anyone else, and where no one else can take your responsibility from you. You have been to the Jordan over and over again with Elijah, but now you are facing it alone. There is no use in saying that you cannot go— the experience is here, and you must go. If you truly want to know whether or not God is the God your faith believes Him to be, then go through your “Jordan” alone.

Alone at Your “Bethel” At your “Bethel” you will find yourself at your wits’ end but at the beginning of God’s wisdom. When you come to your wits’ end and feel inclined to panic— don’t! Stand true to God and He will bring out His truth in a way that will make your life an expression of worship. Put into practice what you learned while with your “Elijah”— use his mantle and pray. Make a determination to trust in God, and do not even look for Elijah anymore.

(My Utmost for His Highest, August 11)

My Elijah was my planned future. You know: high school to college, college to camp, camp back to Lexington. But now there is nothing. My “Elijah” has left, as God has willed it. No more parental financial support, no fall back of “being a college student”. And now that I’ve been back in Lexington for a week, my faith is being pushed. Will I fall back into my same habits? My same friends? My same struggles?

God has called me somewhere not here. And I’m starting to make concrete plans to make it happen. But I don’t have the support of those I need most. They have given me questions: “How are you going to make enough money to live?” “You don’t know anyone, how will you deal with being alone?” “Why would you want to leave the great job and life you have in Lexington?” And now these questions have become my questions, when in the beginning, they weren’t.

And this is the question I’ve finally come to: Where is the balance between being realistic and stepping out in faith? Because realistically, you have to factor in money, finding a job, the logistics of a situation. And I have a lot of that to consider. But also, don’t I have to just step out first and then let God catch me? I’ve been listening to stories of my friend Kyle and Chris that took an insane cross country road trip without plans, but trusting God would take care of them. And He did. Is my situation any different? I no longer have a plan, should I go ahead and keep moving forward? I know God will take care of it all, but I don’t want a comfortable life. No Christian should settle for that. And I feel like Lexington would be doing that. I’m comfortable here. It’s easy here.

I don’t want a comfortable life. That would be like staying with Elijah.

The Beginning of a Call.

July 27, 2009 1 comment

During the sixth week of camp, our Camp Pastor was a man named Tom Richter. I got to know Tom last summer, seeing as the tech girl spends a little more time with the Camp Pastor than most of the other staffers. Tom grew up in Murray, went to Murray State, and was called during seminary to a church in Queens, New York City. On the third day of camp, I happened to have to walk to the road to mail a card, and Tom drove by and offered me a ride to lunch. During the 2 min drive, he asked me what I was doing since I had already graduated, and I told him I had no idea. He then asked me if I wanted to come to New York. Figuring he was just asking, I said, “sure!”

If only the story ended here. As I went throughout the day, the idea of going to New York City didn’t leave my mind, but every time I pushed it away figuring I was trying to make a big deal out of something because I wanted to know my next step so bad. But Day 3 of camp is themed “Beyond Your Plans,” and so that night Tom preached about a “semi-colon moment,” talking about a verse where Peter paused and then his next actions were important. Peter chose Jesus’ plans. And it hit me. I’m at a semi-colon moment in my life: I finished college, did my semester of “bumming around” postponing real life, and now was nearing the end of camp – my last act as a college-aged person. I felt God calling me.

So I wrote Tom a note and told him about what my heart seemed to be telling me. The next morning he slapped a business card in my hand and told me we would talk. Later that afternoon we had the unique ability to spend about an hour and a half together before dinner and we talked about how I felt I was beginning to be called into the secular culture of the media industry, and not into a church job as I had hoped and attempted to find. He told me about his church, and every bit of it sounded eerily similar to the growth I have found at my church in Lexington, Church at Tatesbrook. Tom told me he had been praying for me specifically, and that if God was bringing me to New York, he wanted me at his church, and would help me find a place to live and a roommate.

And so I prayed. Did a little freaking out, and then prayed some more.

And then I told Tom I was in. Now, all I’m waiting for is God’s timetable with a job. As the next 3 weeks passed, and I finished up camp, God granted me a peace about this new direction. He gave me a peace that I don’t have to know when this is going to happen, and I’m okay with the fact that it might not happen soon, as a lot of my friends at camp feel like it is going to happen.

So now that I’m a day out of camp, Satan has definitely attacked this peace I’ve had. My dad shot down the idea as soon as I arrived home and tried to talk to him about it, and I have to say my life in Lexington is lining up quite nicely. But during the long drive to Florida today, I’ve had a lot of time to think and pray, and what I have come to realize is that I may have to leave a “good life” to follow God’s call for my life. I also realize I may have to live in a lonely situation at a low-end job when I start, but if all else fails, I am going to grow in my relationship with my Creator.

Please be in prayer for me, and I will continue to update the process. Also, if you know of a video/graphics editing job in NYC, let me know!