the greatest gift is to give?

My friend Shelby has the opportunity to go overseas to Asia for the next five months. It’s been an exciting ride watching her put such faith in God’s plans for her. She had to quit her job at school, forgo her last semester of school, etc. all for an unsure plan. But now it’s all coming together, and God has allowed me to have a small part in it.

Shelby called and told me of some troubles she was having fundraising for the trip, and that the trip was in jeopardy. We brainstormed some ideas, and I helped her set up an online donation system. But I decided I should help a little, especially since it was the end of the year and me being okay with money and all (which doesn’t happen often). So I sat down, and wrote a check for a number God told me. I thought it was too much, but I had a peace about it. (I am a tightwad at heart.) I wanted to surprise her, so I didn’t tell her. Over the next few days, God really amazed both of us with the money that was raised. Shelby called me on Sunday and told me how much she still needed for the minimum amount for the trip to happen. I couldn’t hold it in any longer:

That was the amount I had sent her.

So I thought I would share. It really blessed me to be a part of this story.
Shelby still needs help. Please click on the link above and pray about donating.

Tom & Brad: 1 Year Later.

I can’t believe it’s been a year…

I was filling up at a gas station in Richmond while the girls went inside for a bathroom break and caffeine. I was excited to be the first car getting back to Lexington; I was exhausted and ready to graduate school in a little over a month. I’d had a good weekend at Fall Retreat, my last one, but nothing spectacular or earth-shattering for me. I had a massive test in my hardest class, Music History, on my mind, and I hadn’t started the incredibly large amount of studying.

But then I got the phone call.

It was from Erin, who was in Lexington, wanting to know if we were okay. I was so confused. But then she cleared it up for me. I had to go in the gas station and get the girls and we prayed and took off to Lexington. Then the phone call & text message floodgate opened.

The memories of the rest of that day and the following week are still so vivid in my mind. I sat in a cubby on the 4th floor of Willy T. unsuccessfully trying to concentrate for hours. I got in my car to just drive and realized I had nowhere to go. I walked without purpose around the BCM building, my home, unable to sleep or hold a commonsensical conversation.

I avoided the stretch of Interstate for a long time. It was actually only a little under a month ago that I drove it for the first time. I cried the entire length of the new guardrail they’ve constructed. The overwhelming thought was how unfair it was that they got to leave us here. They are eternally in the presence of the Creator of the universe, and we are stuck here in a world of pain and death.

There are some things I have come to realize are forever changed about how I live because of the accident:

• I forgive much quicker.
• I don’t take time with people for granted.
These both go together. Since Tom and Brad went to be with Jesus, I try not to spend any time with unresolved conflict, or not being completely honest with those I care for. I don’t always succeed, but I have definitely seen where I normally would have held onto my hurt, I now let go easier. Time is so special.

• I invested time in those younger than me.

I didn’t like that I didn’t know Brad until that weekend. So after the accident, I purposely took more of an interest in the freshman, especially once my job fell through and I was in Lexington for the spring semester. And I thank my Lord that He brought two of those freshman into my life for good, as they are my very best friends.

• I no longer believe it couldn’t happen to me.
When someone is on their way somewhere and they are late and don’t call, I almost immediately think the worst. I no longer think something horrible like that would never happen to me. I make those I love text me when they get home safe & meaningfully tell others to be careful while driving.

I will forever cherish the memories I had with Tom. From the “Mike story” to his killer skills. From his pick-up lines to his horrible chants at my intramural football games… “B-A-P-T-I-S-T, BAPTIST CAMPUS MINISTRY!” I’m so thankful I got to spend time with him that Friday before we left for Fall Retreat. We were two of the only people in the building that morning and we played Mario Kart and Killer, reminiscing about the time Andrew hit me in the face with a ping-pong ball. He always thought that was hilarious.

I’m thinking of the May and Hall families today. I’m praying for all of us who were effected by this tragedy. And I’m thankful God spared Ben, and I still have him in my life being goofy and leading a great praise band at the BCM.

Hope will always guide me.

what I wrote the night of the accident: Goodbye Friend.

trust?

Every morning on the way to work I turn off the radio and pray. Most of the times it’s out loud. Other times, I’m silent and try to listen. Something I’ve come to notice is how selfish my prayers are. And I don’t mean selfish as in they are all about me; I’m not 14 and viewing my God as Santa Claus. But my prayers are always for those closest to me, and the things they’re going through. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I shouldn’t pray for my best friends, my family, my future plans, etc. But my prayers still seem so self-centered. This world is hurting. There are the homeless, those without clean water, those suffering from oppression, so many even here in affluent Lexington that need Jesus. And what do I pray for in the morning? All of MY friends. Everything around ME.

Ugh.

All this has come to light because of some recent events. They started off indirectly affecting me. I’ve been praying for the situation daily for a while now. Then these events became very personal. Satan got his way with some miscommunication and some feelings, and now I find myself looking up from a pit I haven’t jumped into for quite some time.

We’ve been talking a lot around church and small group lately about trusting the Christ in others. It’s something that’s hard to do. The issue of trust isn’t usually a hard one for me. It usually takes me getting taken advantage of before I don’t trust someone. But what about the other way around. Am I trustworthy? I’d like to think so. I’m a horrible liar, which is actually a wonderful gift, and I don’t like bullshit – generally trustworthy things. But last night I wasn’t trusted by someone, and it’s made me question the Christ in me – which is horrible. I shouldn’t. But I am. And this all comes back to love. I am so loved, so why do I feel so unloved? If I could get a hundredth of that question answered, I could get by with that for the rest of my life probably.

Until then, here I am. Needing to let go, and let God. But instead re-evaluating my friendships and acting pretty stupid. Dang, why am I so hard-headed?

Welcome Week Withdrawl.

This morning I woke up, glad for it to be Friday. But on this particular Friday, I was hit hard by a realization: this is the first UK move-in day in 4 years that I will not be on campus, either moving in, or helping freshman moving in. You’re probably saying, oh geez, why does that even matter. But my very sentimental self is having trouble with it, especially considering I’m sitting only a few miles from campus at my big girl full-time job. When I was in school, I used to look forward so much to BCM Welcome Week, I could have peed my pants. It was always crazy busy – just the way I like it. Friday & Saturday were Freshmen Move-in Days followed by hanging out at night. Sunday was my favorite – Progressive dinner, Monday – Coffee House or something similar, Tuesday – first TNT, Wednesday – classes started, and Thursday – huge cookout and Bible studies. I LOVED it. Seeing people after a long summer away, meeting new freshman, watching them be awkward, and wondering who’ll stick around and make the BCM better.

So here’s to great memories, growing up, and never forgetting my first real home: the Baptist Campus Ministries of the University of Kentucky:

moving in my freshman year – Patterson Hall

my first year on Leadership Council – 2006

Hanging Around the BCM – 2006

Freshman Move-in 2007

Leadership Council – 2007

Cooking pancakes for first Midnight Pancakes – Welcome Week 2008

Leadership Council my senior year – 2008

Calling.

Lately I have had the blessing of spending time with the people I look up to the most in this world. It has been amazing to hear their hearts, learn their passions, and see them living by the Spirit. It has also been amazing being a part of their life, and this, along with a certain evening last week full of emotion and confusion has led to a lot of thinking. But before my thoughts cause the train of this post to go haywire, here’s a little bit of what I wrote in the New Orleans airport earlier this week:

“Lord, I’m in awe at what You’ve been teaching me. Just realizing how much more open I am to things like culture & music & the homeless, & even spontaneity amaze me in comparison. What are You preparing me for? I wish You would give me a glimpse. I wish I could be content with knowing You’ve got me… It’s just after the other night when I couldn’t stop crying my heart went back to realizing I’m not where You’re going to keep me, & I’m so restless. I feel stuck in this place between college & real life, neither in either one fully. I know this is a time of You teaching me while I have nothing to do but listen, but I want to put it into practice. I’m learning to love better, to be more open-minded, to wrap my mind around different styles & cultures, & realizing how big You are that I should FEAR You. I try to capture this “buddy” mentality over & over when I should be on my face because You are God of the universe. You created everything I’ve ever known or seen & I sit here anxious about friendships? Anxious about not liking completely where I’m at? God, that’s disrespectful to You. Jesus Christ died FOR ME & I’d rather concentrate on my own strength & own power rather than realizing EVERY good thing comes from You. Between what I’m reading in Crowder’s book, learning in small group, & saw here in NOLA, I’m excited You deem me worthy of something like this. I’m excited for when the pieces come together, ’cause they sure aren’t connecting right now. It will be glorious, & that glory will be Yours. That glory is already Yours.”

In NOLA, I got to see a friend living life where God has called her, and listen to the heart of another friend realizing she may be called there as well. Later, I got to have a conversation with 2 of my married friends who are ready to be called overseas, and will go as soon as it happens. We talked about me just up and moving (Southwest Colorado, right Paul? haha) but how if God hasn’t called me there, I will be miserable. As time goes on and it looks like I will be setting up shop here in Lexington for a long haul, I want to experience more than Kentucky has to offer. Sure, I’ve always wanted to “end up” here in Kentucky, but when else in my life will I be able to sell everything and disappear to travel? But… I am not called to do that right now. The question is, what am I called to do? Well, nothing. God’s got me in a holding pattern. And it sucks. It doesn’t make my parents happy, doesn’t make my OCD happy, and it certainly doesn’t make my increasing debt happy.

Hear me, as soon as God calls me somewhere, I’m gone. And if you’ve known me for a long time, the fact that I say that and mean it is a big deal.

I want to move to some big city and start a church. I want to move to a Spanish-speaking country and film a documentary on clean water. I want to move out west and live simply. I want to work outside and be outside more than I’m indoors. But God’s not calling me to do any of these. But then again, He’s not calling me to stay here in Lexington either.

All this wouldn’t be so hard if I didn’t have those people I look up to so much. They have their callings, or are developing them and planning to live them out. For some of them that means moving to New Orleans to go to be immersed in that culture, or it means preparing to do medical missions somewhere in the future, or it means marrying the man God had fall into your life randomly and following Christ together. Me? In a few months I’ll be bumming off friends saving for my own place wondering when I’ll be able to chase my passions.

I don’t want to escape. I mean, I want to escape, to up and go. That’s what I tried to do when I applied for Journeyman. God nipped that in the bud, and not too humbly. If I escape, I’ll be miserable. So until then, I wait.

Where, God?

Somewhere along the way, I got lost. I thought I was striving toward the glory of my Lord, but somewhere along the way, I ended up here: questioning, desperate, and alone. It’s my own fault, and no one else’s. I became so focused on what I thought was God’s will for me, when in reality, I was focusing on what I wanted God’s will for me to be. I wanted something that in my mind I defined as “big”: years overseas, a prestigious church job, another summer as a big shot videographer at camp.

And then, ironically, the big ice storm, and how I spent my time during it, snapped things into perspective. God has always gifted me a servant’s heart for those around me. It manifests itself oddly sometimes, whether volunteering to walk through the storm to Kroger, attempting to shovel the parking lot, or buying a new pair of pants, but I always do it because I want to serve those I love.

But what about those I don’t love?

Unfortunately, there are too many people that fall into that category. I have continued to question why God kept me here in Lexington, and I believe now it was to knock me off my high horse, to destroy my pedestal, and show me where I needed to improve in life. Well, it’s working. I have nothing here I am passionate about here in Lexington anymore, except my church. Passion is such a vital part of my life that it’s been difficult feeling as though I am invested in nothing for the Kingdom right now. I feel like my life is on hold, but then again, I’ve felt like that for a while now. In fact, one of the few times I didn’t feel that way was when I was in the Dominican Republic.

I read my Bible for the first time in over a month today. I wrote in my prayer journal for the first time in almost 3 weeks. I believe working on my relationship with God is the first step to loving those I don’t right now.

I know there are different seasons in life, and each is necessary (Ecclesiastes anyone?), but I don’t know what this season is for, and I don’t think God is going to give me any answers. It’s hard. You’re only young for so long and you’re only single for (hopefully) so long. My hopes and dreams for this insignificant amount of time on earth have changed drastically in recent years, and I’m not fulfilling any of them sitting here in the Dungeon feeling like an annoyance.

I’m strong now. I’m strong enough to be free, and I’m ready to go.

Where, God?

Ice Storm 2009

These were the first two days of the Ice Storm, before my building going haywire, me becoming a wanderer, my car’s back window exploding, the place I was staying losing electricity, etc, etc… But don’t get me wrong, it was a blast up until then.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/video/video.php?v=629855103290&ref=nf

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/video/video.php?v=630162182900

College in a nutshell.

FRESHMAN YEAR: so long ago – did it really happen? The good ol’ days of Patterson dorm living, trying to adjust to being in college, and all the while trying to maintain friendships back home.

-I remember riding to the BSU for our Halloween party and I was in the back of Jenna’s jeep with her toy gun. I kept popping up and shooting people until I accidentally did it to a cop car! Needless to say, I kept a low profile for the rest of the ride. That was when the leaves on the trees along Columbia were bright red and I was so in awe. It was my first autumn! I loved everything about it, including flag football, even though Kristina was bitter and jealous toward my immediate rise to freshman star quarterback. Haha!

-I loved living in North Campus, and the Annex girls of Patterson that year were truly one of a kind. Though I have parted ways with most of them, they were influential in my first adjustments to college. Jenn and I enjoyed rearranging the furniture in the room every few months or so, and it always was a challenge to maneuver. I was so homesick that first semester, but the fact that I made friends fairly quickly was the biggest encouragement of all. North Campus was especially great because it was so close to Lauren’s apartment, where I spent the majority of my spring semester. We scrapbooked, had amazing game nights (IMAGINEIFF!) and watched Cats’ games.

-Architecture school. Ugh. I never realized how miserable it made me until I was no longer in it. There aren’t even any good memories except getting to spend time with Danny. Jerzy’s class almost killed me to begin with, followed up by four hours of studio four days a week in the spring. I applaud those who have stuck with it, but it sure wasn’t for me, no matter how much I tried to convince myself it was.

-Fall Retreat (PUT IN WILL SMITH!), Freshman Council meetings (where’s Bustle?), the beginning of the FAB 4 (WinterJam, Spring Celebration, Thunder), mine and Kristina’s roadtrip to Florida, a summer back in Florida working 40 hours weeks at Chick-Fil-A.

SOPHOMORE YEAR: As a whole, the worst year of my life, but the year I learned the most. It was spent living with Kristina in the Wesley Foundation’s dorm, the Methodist campus ministry – definitely an interesting experience. I can’t tell you how many times I was woken up by an alarm in the next room, or got to take part in conversations I could hear from upstairs. Oh well, it was only 2 minutes walking distance from the BCM…

-SMUDBALL! one of the most fun times I’ve had on campus. Those clothes definitely went in the trash. I do remember falling asleep on the floor of Carrie’s room while I was waiting for Kristina to get out of the shower, ’cause we didn’t want to shower in the Wesley.

-Going to West Virginia for fall break and seeing the most gorgeous views I’ve seen EVER. Oh, man 4-wheeling for hours in the mountains was amazing. Front row ball games with Kristen. Flying Carrie’s step-dad’s plane for a dinner trip to Rough Ridge. Spending Thanksgiving break up here in Lexington. Leading worship for the Hayride. My surprise birthday present, getting lost on the way to Fall Retreat, the beginning of my car Corey’s competition with Ben’s car Wallace,  “quality time” with Tiffany, my first time skiing, PHONE BOOKS, Carrie coming home with me to Florida for Spring Break, Thursday night Grey’s at Kristen’s.

-My 19th birthday. Carrie and I driving to dinner when Kristina suddenly pops out of the trunk. Surprise – Chris Tomlin concert in Louisville! That night had some very memorable quotes. Kristina: “I was in the trunk for 45 minutes. I’m such a good friend!” Me: “Don’t both telling me anything once we get inside, cause I’ll be in awe.” Carrie: “Well then, now’s the time to tell you. I’m preggers. And I’m smoking crack. But don’t worry, I’m going off it for the baby.”

-The Lip Sync Contest: Fab 4 does OK Go on Treadmills. Utter glory. The video is my most watched clip on Youtube to this day. It only took us a couple hours of sweaty practice in the Wesley basement to get it down. We should have won. SO ROBBED. But everyone liked it so much that we got to do an Encore at the end anyway. Fab 4 rules again!

JUNIOR YEAR: one for the record books. Essentially a year of starting over with most of my closest friends deciding they wanted to live in Louisville. 🙂 Finally living off campus in a beautiful house on Woodland. Five bedrooms, two bathrooms, and barely any heat. Though I felt like I practically lived alone, it was worth it. This was a year where I finally developed friendships that I knew were going to last for the rest of my life, be it a future roommate or a BCM intern. 🙂

-Spending every weekend (practically) at Tiffany and J’s house. That big red couch became my second bed. I loved the times we spent there, studying, watching Grey’s, having serious conversations, making pancakes!, having girl’s nights, and playing guitar hero (J, I did beat you at My Name is Jonas!), cooking dinner for the boys (you guys just let me stir the mashed potatoes), getting ready for Spring Celebration, crashing after my week in the DR.

-There was that one night we had a party and were drinking white strawberry juice, or whatever, but all the pictures make me look like i’m downing a bottle of whiskey! And of course the random picnic and photoshoot at the arboretum. All the girls did senior photos and I just pouted and didn’t want to participate, so instead I look like a bird in every picture. Haha, that was such a great weekend. There were the many weekend days spent “studying” at Erin’s apartment, and playing MarioKart and SuperSmash brothers at the B together. I improved enough for Erin to consider me halfway decent. 🙂

-Football season. We rushed the field! I was happy to have Kristina by my side in blue, considering she was a UofL cardinal now. And then the best 21st birthday present of all, beating #1 LSU in 3 OTs! Watching with my best friends in Louisville being celebrating was a night to remember always.

-I finally managed a flag football championship, winning in 28 degree weather. I have no idea how I even threw a football with fingers that cold. My parents got to come, cause they moved to Kentucky (finally!). We spent the first 8 months in a 2-bedroom apartment and finally bought a house in Somerset in April. I love being able to go home on the weekend.

-The most random roadtrip of my life – Chicago! Gabe, Ben, Rachel and I spent the weekend walking aimlessly through the city. The Navy Pier Ferris wheel was probably my favorite part, being able to see the whole city’s skyline, although Rachel about hyperventilated. And of course, how could I forget the creation of “The List” on the way back. (and the chaos that ensued from that piece of paper once we returned…)

-Wisconsin in April? Spending 4 days on a choir tour to Wisconsin was something I dreaded so much I can’t even express, but it ended up being a lot of fun. I got to know two little freshman a lot better, and of course spent quality time with my adopted mother, Ms. Rachel Henn. 🙂 Lindsay bought me my first purse and we shopped. A lot. Then we sang. Then we shopped. Oh, and how could I forget the night in the random people’s house? Rachel, Erica and I talked Robert into asking Rachel to Spring Celebration. Hahaha!

-of course I rocked out the Lip Sync contest again with Lori and Tiffany by my side. We were robbed. I will argue it forever. How can you beat 4 choreographed dances to Staying Alive, Thriller, Can’t Touch This, and Cupid Shuffle? Exactly.

-my week in the Dominican Republic. It was the beginning of big changes in my life. My first trip out of the country, my first bit of analyzing what I was doing with my life, and my first experience of culture shock. I fell in love with a little boy named Jeffrey, talked about my hairy past through an interpretor to inner city Domincan kids, and helped bring clean water to a little village in south central DR. We played Risk, Euchre, and crammed 16 of us in a 12 passenger van. It was glory. Even though I spent the next month insanely sick, it was worth every second.

SUMMER 2008: Although this isn’t a year in school, my summer spent working at Jonathan Creek camp was the msot influential time in my life. I went scared, anxious, and full of dread. I left changed, with amazing new friends, and with a better grasp on my relationship with my Lord.

-videos… Dumping water on the boys in one take – I knew from the beginning Tracy was a champ. Boat Race promo – putting a kayak on the Tower, on the mountain bike trail, in the boys bathroom, etc. etc. The Turkey Leg promo – no one knew I was filming it: surprise! The Lark video – the only time I got in front of the camera. At least we have funny outtakes from me not being able to lift the log. “Oh no, it’s Bivens!” Haha, and re-voicing that video was amazingly funny. The Poo Pond video – Corky’s dance. Enough said. Creating that Staff DVD is one of my proudest works, especially the time I got to spend with the likes of Tracy, Laura, and Brittany in the tech booth late at night coming up with superlative names. Haha.

-our room’s rap song. It started training week and continued far into the summer. “hey yo ho, get yo panties off the flo’ / bright pink flower panties on the flo’ / hey panties! hey panties!” Our room most definitely had the most interesting late night conversations. We will rival any claims from any other room. Our room was also the messiest, no thanks to my bunkmate (right AC?).

-Capture the Flag/Softball weekends. I was really sick and running on 3 hours of sleep (like every Friday), but I was hardcore. After chasing down the boys after finding the flag the first time, I took to the offense and after a 30 min stint on the boys’ side, I completed the only successful jail breakout. No thanks to Corky and his cheater flashlight! Of course, all the boys cheated. In the pool? I mean, really?! Then the glory of the softball game. Brittany took the video camera so I could focus on playing. I will never forget our trash talking into the camera right before we had a 6 run inning to come back and win the game. Classic.

-Zambia. TA time. CC. late night talks on the dock, in the tech booth, in the POI room, outside JCafe, and at the POI lunch table.

SENIOR YEAR: Living at the BCM. It was the perfect set-up. I’ve practically lived there for 3 years anyway, free rent, and living with my best friend. What could be better? Then there’s that whole stripping and waxing the floors thing… Considering I decided in early September that I was graduated in December, I think I got a lot crammed into my last semester as a college student.

-YOU SHUT UP LATISHA! Oh LaSarah, you have brought such joy to the BCM this year. Lauren and I love to yell it through the apartment, joined by Tiason upstairs. I’ll never forget him jumping on the window at Fall Retreat. Other Youtube videos that have affected us this year: Can I Have Your Number?, Bon QuiQui, and Beyonce’s Single Ladies.

-Refocus aka Summer Staff Reunion. Lauren, Shelby and I went to worship and absolutely nothing else all weekend. It was very relaxing and definitely interesting to be back at JCreek. But I got to eat Matt B’s with Lindsey, spend time with the Rouses, and of course Corky, Susanne, and the girls. I still wish that weekend was like real life. I got to show Audra where I spent my summer, and we got to have some great conversations late at night in our sleeping bags.

-My birthday. The girls surprised me after my night class with a party in our apartment! We played karaoke, ate pizza, and then Erin, Josh and I ended up with a crazy night downtown with a finale of running through the fountains by the courthouse. It was a great day to be 22.

-The claw. It’s stupid. Ben heads up the pro-claw club, and I am queen of the anti-claw. Third down stops will never be the same again. And that’s all I have to say about that.

-Retro Prom. Utter glory (or laud, right Aud?). I’ve never seen all my friends look so hideous (except Erin, leave it to her to look cute…) and I’ve never had so much fun with them at a BCM dance, that’s for sure. Everyone was so much more relaxed cause there wasn’t the pressure of trying to look pretty, haha. And of course, the boys chose me to be serenaded to “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling” as a celebration of my last BCM Formal. It was completely embarassing, but really fun all the same.

-Camp friends. I’ve been able to not only maintain friendships from camp, but they have become some of the cloeset and most treasured friendships I’ve ever had. We’ve enjoyed football games, the golf driving range, basketball games, movies and books (Twilight, Trace & Laura?) awkward social situaions with friends from “real life,” sledding, getting tattoos, and concerts. We’ve helped each other through school crises, family situations, boy drama, and other deep things I know I would not have made it through as easily without them.

-The accident. As sad as it is, I cannot have a complete synopsis of my Senior semester without mentioning the impact this had on me and everyone here at the BCM. I never felt like the BCM was more of a family until we had to help each other mourn the loss of two of our brothers. I think about them every day, especially Tom, and thank God for the final moments I got to spend with them. Losing them and having to learn to help each other mourn different taught me more about love and grace than I can say. The deaths of Tom May and Bradley Hall have unified us, taught us, and driven us. I am excited for what we have planned in their honor. And I’m excited for the fact that they are in heaven.

Living with Loving Intensely: iv

I hate posts that sound like they are just a pity party. I hate sounding emo. But I have to vent; I have to ponder.

I don’t know when I’ll be leaving. Yes, in weeks I will be a graduate of the University of Kentucky, but I don’t know when the next chapter of my life begins away from here. So, I am becoming sentimental. I am like that to begin with, but now I’m even more so. Maybe it’s making all this come to light more potently in my mind. Either way, I’m tired of feeling like this, and the fact that I am strong enough to walk away from it makes me very, very sad.

Would you rather not spend time with someone who is important to you, or feel ignored when you do get to spend time together?

This question is staring me in the face. Soon, it will not matter, but I want to take advantage of the time I have left with those who have been integral in my life these past few years. But to tell you (whoever you are) the truth, I’m freakin’ tired of feeling unappreciated. I feel as though I do my part; I put the effort into my end. I offer to fix dinner, make sure I’m quiet when others are sleeping, and automatically buy athletic tickets. Do I ever get a hug or an ‘I love you’? Nope. Do I ever get even a thank you? Nope. I’m not saying I need it, but it would be nice.

And then when I feel like I have the nerve to bring it up, one of two things keeps me from doing it: 1- an intense fear of spending any of the time we have left in the same physical place with you being mad at me, or 2- remembering a text message from you asking why you can never make me happy, why I have to get upset with stupid things.

I don’t know what to do. Frankly, I have other friends who are more concerned about me, and spending time with me. But they are not here. They wish they got the chance to be in the same place as me. I am worth spending time with, worth loving. Maybe it’s time to cut my losses of those that no longer reciprocate and move on.

I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Why do you no longer treat me like I’m important?

Living with Loving Intensely: iii

I’ve tried to sit down and write something all Thanksgiving break. But everytime I’ve started, I’ve typed about a paragraph and then quit.

But now I sit here staring at our huge Christmas tree we put up today and watch my dad sneak up behind my mom, wrap his arms around her, and kiss her. After 27 years, he still loves her more than life. Will I ever find that? It seems like all around me, my friends are finding it. Weddings, parents permission, my single little self sitting alone at an engagement party flanked by my coupled friends… I am not bitter. No, really, I’m not. I am perfectly content with God’s timing. But it’s just that I’m coming to the end of a very big chapter in my life in just 3 short weeks: college. I never imagined that I would have a ring on my finger by 22, even though I wouldn’t have complained. The thing is I’ve begun to question love.

Not love as in the concept of it: I’ve seen couples that stay married and so in love for more than 50 years. And certainly my God loves me with an unconditional and just love that my mind cannot fathom. He IS love. But what I’ve begun to question is my capacity to love in such a way that it lasts. I have yet to sustain a friendship from childhood: as soon as distance was inserted, they all fell apart. And just the opposite has become true more than once, my closest friendships have been those that fell apart quickest.

This is not some “pity me” emo post. This is my crying out for the friendships I’m losing. I could very well leave Lexington in a few weeks if I want, and I will be for sure in the near future. Will anyone bother to keep up with me? Have I established any true friendships? I used to think I had some for sure, but now my confidence isn’t so high. It’s amazing what the presence of a boy does to friendships with those that are single…

Even with all this I keep going back to the line of a Phil Wickham song that came up on my iPod the other night while I was driving the windy road near Cumberland Falls in the pitch black. It goes something like this: “I want to hear the thunder of who You are / to be captured inside the wonder of who You are” Why can’t I just be so caught up in the mystery of my Creator that I let all my circumstances fall into place? Including my friendships. I trust that God will sustain the friendships I need, and even take them away to increase my dependance on Him, but that doesn’t mean I like it…

Romans 13:8 – Let no debt remain outstanding except our continued debt to love each other…