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Posts Tagged ‘future’

unemployed thoughts.

February 12, 2011 2 comments

tomorrow marks 6 weeks I have been here in New Orleans. So much has happened, mostly inside of my head, but one thing has not: a job. I would estimate I’ve filled out close to 50 applications by now, and it’s been a difficult and frustrating road. there is so much that is done online these days that any advantage I would gain in a person to person meeting is never given a chance to develop. that’s the frustrating part. the difficult part is that I never know when I am rejected from a job (except Dick’s Sporting Goods, they rejected me within 12 hours…) and so I don’t know whether to wait, or keep looking, getting ever more desperate. for example, this past week I had my first interview at a hotel downtown. during the interview, I realized how much I would hate this job, and how the money may not even be enough to sustain me here. the interviewer even implied I was overqualified for the job. it was quite an odd tactic. nevertheless, if they offer it to me (I should know by mid-week), should I take it? cause it’s not looking promising anywhere else.

and now high school basketball season is over. so my supplemental income, which was my only income, is now gone. the funny thing is, I’m not worried about the money, about affording rent, etc. I need a purpose, something to do, a reason to get out of bed. because for the past 6 weeks, there have been few days with such things. and it’s spun my world on its head. fears I never knew existed have come to light.

and so I pray.

tonight, while I was praying (while I was watching tv on the Internet, believe it or not) to fend off the demons of fear and anxiety, God gave me a word. preserve. even if I never fall in love, never find a career I love, never have a family, lose my loved ones, you know what? He will preserve me. I pray I do fall in love, have a family, and get to do life with those I love back in Kentucky, but this word He gave me is true either way. He will preserve me. thank God.

He will preserve me.

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Categories: Life Tags: , , ,

He knows.

February 2, 2011 1 comment

I’ve been here in New Orleans for almost 5 full weeks now, and most days I find myself breaking down in tears. In the shower, at my desk while trying to reading my Bible, in my car once arriving back at my apartment from wherever, and especially while trying to worship at church.

Tonight is no different. I had a crying session in the shower after a basketball game, and then calmed myself down enough to eat a bowl of cereal (which is a huge victory these days). And when I was catching up on my blogs, I came across this post from Jon Acuff. I read it when it was originally posted, and it touched me then. But tonight, it was as if God was speaking right to me through Acuff’s words, namely this section:

““I know, my son, I know. I know, my daughter, I know. That thing you wanted is not going to happen. Not the way you’ve always dreamed. I know this hurts. I know this stings. I know you feel like I am distant or not aware of where you are and who hurt you and what you think life was supposed to be like. I know in moments like this you doubt that I can count the hairs on your head or have your best in mind. But please, I am not done. I have barely started to reveal your life to you. I am the God who satisfies your desires with good things. That is me! And when it comes to your hopes and your fears and your dreams, I know, my son, I know.”

I think of this moment as the “soft x.”

I think of the tenderness of Israel with his arms outstretched and crossed. I think of our desires and our dreams and the times they don’t work. And above all, I think of a God who wants to tell you he hears you, he loves, he knows you. He is not disconnected or disinterested in who you are and who you want to be. Today, he says,

“I know, my son, I know.””

It’s all I have to cling to right now. That God knows how I’m feeling every moment. He knows.

Categories: Life Tags: , , , , ,

eve of more than a new year.

December 30, 2010 Leave a comment

Well, all my stuff is moved out of Lexington, and bright and early on January 1st, I will be driving to New Orleans. The past few weeks have been what can only be called an emotional roller coaster, as I battle times where fear overtakes me & anxiety cripples me, and times where I am okay with the new adventure I’m about to embark on. I try to remember the restlessness I’ve felt in Lexington, and the affirmation the Lord has given me that moving to NOLA is being obedient. I try not to dwell on the doubt Satan has been feeding me, as well as the lies of infinite “what if” situations, and my tendency to think too far down the road.

I do believe God will take care of me. I wholeheartedly have faith in that. Where I’m still coming around is that I think I know how I want Him to take care of me. I mostly don’t want Him to take care of me by replacing my current friends with new ones.

If you’re the praying kind and would like some specifics…
• Pray the anxiety problems I’m having will ease (problems eating & sleeping, etc.)
• Pray that I will stay present. And as Joe Joe says to me, “Live where I’m at.”
• Pray that no matter what, I will go to God for strength, comfort, and peace.

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affirmations.

06.20 (608, Jon Weece) He is calling us to leave our nets behind. Nets of our comfortable vocation to where He’s calling us, where He will provide.
Obedience to Jesus Christ is the number one thing for a disciple. Peter wasn’t influential, but obedient. Jesus doesn’t want people with influence to increase their faithfulness, but people who are faithful to increase their influence.

7.1 (Romans small group study) God has equipped me with everything I need for ministry. I pray for increase in wisdom and increase in faith only. I have everything else already. I am completely equipped!

7.4 (Mike Brady) We are called to be responders, not initiators. Faith is responding to Gods promises.

7.13 (My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers) “Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and fail and get discouraged.” “It must be God first, God second, and God third, until life is faced steadily with God and no one else is of any account whatever.”

8.22 (608, Jon Weece) Acts 17:26, …God has determined the exact place for me to live.
Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.

God has given me a vision that doesn’t fit my circumstances.
I can’t speak for myself.
I can’t make plans for myself.
I only exist as an end to the glory of God.

Categories: Life, Ministry Tags: , , , ,

no question.

Sometimes in the quiet of my room at night, questions begin to creep into my mind. It’s only in these silent moments after my roommates have gone to bed and I’m looking out my bedroom window watching the twinkling lights of South Lexington that I doubt my calling. It’s amazing how these tiny instants can rule in our lives.

They aren’t that often, truthfully. And they aren’t that significant. But it’s in these little whiles that my focus slips. It’s not that easy, you know, tuning this unredeemed brain of mine to a channel that is set on heavenly things. How can I concede these grains of doubt infiltrate the abundance of confirmation I have received?

It says, ask and you shall receive. And even though I never received that colored Game Boy with Tetris, or that drum set, I have received confirmation of my call. I asked for validation, for affirmation. And it came in many forms: a conversation with my pastor, Unearthed Pictures coming to 608 & me being able to start a conversation with them, even the words of the songs I’ve been writing.

The opulence and complacency I am experiencing in this season is proof all over again. I’ve never been comfortable with comfortable. I seemingly have the dream I should want, especially at only age 23: a job I enjoy making good money, a church family that is more real to me than any I’ve ever experienced, and in the same city as my best friends. What more should a 23 year old desire, besides falling head over heels for a godly man (but I digress………)?

The glorification of my Creator as seen in my life.

And so in those quiet moments, what is the enemy desiring to steer me from? What is the disapproval of my parents keeping me from? What is the fear of poverty beckoning me to desert?

In 7 months, I’m moving to New Orleans, Louisiana.

when is it ‘acceptable’?

So I was going to write a post about how your first summer out of college is when you realize you’re grown up because all your friends go home and… you still go to work. Nothing changes. But then something came up today and prompted this post.

When you graduate from college, or even during college, people move. If not to another city or state, at least away from their college campus. But what are the reasons for these moves? And which are “acceptable” by “them”?

A Job. This is termed the most acceptable reason to pick up your life and move it elsewhere, because it is seen as going forward. I almost moved for this reason to Louisville, but my job fell through the week of my college graduation.

A Spouse/Lover. Unfortunately, in America at least, this is less acceptable than moving for a job. I know if I ever am faced with this opportunity, I will take it.

A Calling. Many may not understand this reason, but personally, this is the most important reason to do anything. But because it can only be perceived by the one doing the moving, it’s hard to convince others of the importance of it. This is how I ended up in Kentucky for college from Florida.

Something new/different (no reason in particular). I have seen acquaintances pick up and change venues, many times to a different state, just for a change. While I completely understand the feeling for this, I believe many times this can be solved by a new hobby, place to volunteer, or circle of friends. I have seen how these decisions are treated, as though the mover is immature and impulsive. It is most definitely considered the least acceptable.

And so I am faced with a choice. I am stuck somewhere between the third and the fourth reasons for a move. I have to ask myself if God is calling me to the city itself, and whether or not I can deal with the fact that many, including my parents, will see it as me just moving for no reason in particular. I graduated from college a year and a half ago, and it could be judged that I am up and going because I am unhinged and immature.

Hear me, I know that Romans 8:1 is true – that there is no condemnation in Christ. But it’s hard. If I leave my comfortable life and move 12 hours away to a place that is unknown to me for seemingly no reason but that God told me to, what happens?

An adventure.

Or a catastrophe.

What if I’m wrong about my calling?

We’ll have to wait and see. That’s what I’ll be praying about diligently from now on. If you feel moved to do so, feel free to join. I would appreciate it.

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1 john 4:18?

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

So this past weekend came to light something: intense fear. And as soon as I realized it, I began to work through it. This verse keeps coming into my head. And you know what? It pisses me off. Maybe not the verse itself, but the fact that I obviously don’t understand perfect love and cannot accept it because I am still afraid.

The past two days I have continually been pissed off. I don’t want to talk to anybody, mostly because I’m pretty sure they might get unintended and misdirected ire. The crappy thing is I can’t figure out where it should be directed.

I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to type next. I know this is the Internet and anyone who stumbles upon this can read it, so I don’t want to be too open, but I am a very sincere person. So whatever.

One thing I know is that the devil’s temptings are right here next to me. I have recently had a breakthrough in the hurt and guilt I possessed over some sin of mine, and the devil is pissed that he no longer has me convinced that this sin is what I wanted deep down in my being. I feel like he’s cut his loss and moved on. He’s taken the strides the Spirit and I made this weekend in regard to my future move and my view on leaving Lexington and made me scared.

Even in the last few hours, as I’ve sat at work finishing up for the day, old topics of fear have returned, mostly having to do with a best friend who has decided that her boyfriend is more important than almost anything else. My relationships are the most important things to me in this life, and they are becoming full of fear. Again. This is not how it should be.

So if you think about it, say a prayer for me please. In the meantime, I’ll be asking for something God says He will give abundantly if we ask: wisdom.

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