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Posts Tagged ‘past’

lies.

Satan has been in my head lying to me the past few days, and I just want to expose them as lies, and refute them.

  • I am NOT responsible for someone’s not being saved. No matter how crappy the relationship has been, or is, and how much of that is my fault.
  • I CAN stand up to temptation, even when I have failed everytime before. God WILL give me strength anew.
  • My best friends teasing me is NOT evidence of their waning love and devotion to our friendship.
  • God CAN give me purpose in my daily life.
  • I AM worth being loved by a man that loves God, and WILL be one day.
  • I AM allowed to hurt. It’s NOT always selfish.

I know Satan is after me harder because I’m in God’s will, and making a difference for the Kingdom even more than usual lately. So he attacks me where I am most vulnerable: my relationship with my best friends, my lonlieness, and my day-to-day anxiety with purpose.

Praise my God for His steadfast love, and His mercy. I don’t deserve it, and still it is new every morning.

He saved me from death, literally. I will worship Him forever.

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Categories: Life Tags: , , , ,

Forgiven.

Some days I listen to Air1 at work, and today I heard this song by Sanctus Real for the first time. I’ve heard it twice today actually. And it was like God wrote this song for me to sing. This is where I am right now. It’s fairly new, and I wanted to share it with whoever stumbles across this. It’s called “Forgiven”:

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I am reminded of the wrong that I have said and done
And that devil just won’t let me forget

In this life I know what I’ve been
But here in Your arms I know what I am
I’m forgiven I’m forgiven
I don’t have to carry the weight of who
I’ve been ’cause I’m forgiven

And my mistakes are running through my mind
And I relive my days in the middle of the night
And I struggle with my pain
And wrestle with my pride

Sometimes I feel alone and I cry
When I don’t fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘Cause ….

In this life I know what I’ve been
But here in Your arms I know what I am
I’m forgiven I’m forgiven
I don’t have to carry the weight of who
I’ve been ’cause I’m forgiven

Praise my Jesus for never letting me go, ’cause I sure as heck have deserved it time and again by earthly standards.

Welcome Week Withdrawl.

August 21, 2009 1 comment

This morning I woke up, glad for it to be Friday. But on this particular Friday, I was hit hard by a realization: this is the first UK move-in day in 4 years that I will not be on campus, either moving in, or helping freshman moving in. You’re probably saying, oh geez, why does that even matter. But my very sentimental self is having trouble with it, especially considering I’m sitting only a few miles from campus at my big girl full-time job. When I was in school, I used to look forward so much to BCM Welcome Week, I could have peed my pants. It was always crazy busy – just the way I like it. Friday & Saturday were Freshmen Move-in Days followed by hanging out at night. Sunday was my favorite – Progressive dinner, Monday – Coffee House or something similar, Tuesday – first TNT, Wednesday – classes started, and Thursday – huge cookout and Bible studies. I LOVED it. Seeing people after a long summer away, meeting new freshman, watching them be awkward, and wondering who’ll stick around and make the BCM better.

So here’s to great memories, growing up, and never forgetting my first real home: the Baptist Campus Ministries of the University of Kentucky:

Patterson06

moving in my freshman year – Patterson Hall

Council06

my first year on Leadership Council – 2006

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Hanging Around the BCM – 2006

Movein07

Freshman Move-in 2007

Council07

Leadership Council – 2007

MidnightPancakes08

Cooking pancakes for first Midnight Pancakes – Welcome Week 2008

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Leadership Council my senior year – 2008

escape?

I’ve been at home in Somerset for almost a week now, and I wonder how long until I start calling it “my parent’s house” instead of “home”. Today has been a long day filled with long and deep conversations, and it has worn on my mind. Even now, there are so many thoughts running through my head I fear this post, the first in ages, may not have the clarity & direction I wish for it.

I leave for Jonathan Creek in 4 days. And I wonder what camp holds for me this summer. I was told by one of my best friends tonight that she doesn’t believe I’ll end up back in Lexington. This took me for a loop, because I’ve had the feeling for a month or so that I will end up in Lexington in the fall, and for a long time to come. When I look back at where I thought I’d be at this point, it amazes me. Just six months ago I wanted nothing more than to live in Louisville. Just three months ago I wanted nothing more than to be preparing for 2 years in South America. And now, not only do I not know where I want to be, but more importantly, I don’t know where God wishes for me to be.

But back to camp. Oh, Jonathan Creek. As the time approaches for my departure, I feel the anxiety as I did last summer before I left. I worry about the dynamics of camp this summer. I know it will be nothing like last summer, but what will it be like? I fear as though I am treating it as my escape. It is true that camp is nothing like real life: relationships are either amplified or diminished exponentially, the outside world seems to lose its importance, and God moves in bigger ways than you thought possible.

But if I use camp as an escape, will these things not happen? Or is God going to go ahead and blow my mind? Last summer I experienced healing without feeling His presence, and it changed me. This summer, am I finally going to get a peak into where I’m going and what I’m going to be doing for Him? I can only hope.

You see, God has brought into my life people I feel as though I have wasted time with. People I want more time with. People that others don’t understand why I love so much. Honestly, I don’t either. But it happened, and for once, it’s different. It’s different in a lot of ways, including my sister, my past, and my future. How’s that for confusion?

All that to say this: I know I have a choice coming. Here is what I see as options:
• Move into my parent’s home in Somerset, and take a job substitute teaching & coaching basketball at my uncle’s school. Free. Somerset.
• Move back to Lexington, and live with married friends of mine until I get onto my feet & accept a promotion at my current job. Balance issues. Lexington.
• Accept a job from something coming from camp, whether it be a church with a media position, or a permanent job with camp. Starting over.

And thus the praying continues.

Happy 1 year. not.

February 21, 2008 1 comment

A year ago stuff was getting bad; you were getting frustrated with my problem that I had yet to realize was a sickness. Now, at this time this year, you decide you want to be back in my life in a bigger way. You are still changed. You are not who I fell in love with, and yet the way you treat me has become like it used to be. It’s not that I am not grateful for it, but I am confused. Why now? It will be soon that we will no longer be in the same physical place. Do you feel like you need to make the most of our time left together? Well, you should have thought about that every time I told you I loved you and you said nothing. You should have thought about that every time I wanted to hang out and you tried to play off that you couldn’t. We both know I saw through it. You should have thought about that when all the fears I had about us came true.

But you know I won’t desert you. Why is this? Am I someone you feel as though you can go back to whenever you feel like it? You used to tell me how much you craved spending time with me. Now, it’s whenever you have no one else? You know I will drop what I’m doing and come to your aid. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. We went through things together that have changed me for the rest of my life.

And yet I can’t tell you all this to your face. 1: I don’t think you’ll care. 2: Almost too much time has passed. 3: The fear of the pain of you being indifferent to me again is too great.
Instead I vent to a blog that few people read, especially not you. You’ll never see this.

All this because it’s been a year and similar situations are arising. What happened with us is ruining my current relationships. AGAIN. I do not blame you, don’t get me wrong. But I DO want to walk away from you. For my health. I want to not call you, text you, or see you. No matter how many dinners you buy me, rides you give me, or times you tell me you love me now. I don’t want you to call me looking for comfort because things are catching up with you, I don’t want you calling to ask if I’m ok. Not because I don’t need them, but because I NEED TO NOT NEED THEM.

But I could never tell you this.

Categories: Life Tags: , , ,

Irony can sometimes be cruel.

January 31, 2008 1 comment

Life is weird.

A good friend called me upset last night because another friend (to protect all parties involved, and confuse me years from now when I reread this, we’ll call this person K) has really disregarded my friends’ feelings, and doesn’t realize what K is doing. My friend was upset, very upset, to the point of tears and expletives. I sat and listened because I know my friend wasn’t looking for answers, even though I kept being asked, “What do I do?” I tried to be as good a friend as I could.
At one point, my friend said, “I feel so stuck. I just want to call or text, but K won’t give me any answer that will make me feel better. I just want to go over there and explain it, tell K how I feel, but K won’t understand. I just want to disappear.”

Why is this ironic, you ask?

Because about a year ago, I was in the same boat with this very friend. I wanted nothing more than call this friend, explain how I was hurt, and make my argument. This very friend hurt me, upset me to the point of tears and expletives, and didn’t understand. The words that came out of my friend’s mouth last night were practically the same words I uttered.

Even though all that happened, we have remained good friends, although my friend still doesn’t know or understand how I felt then. My friend has moved on in life to a different set of friends, and I have come to accept my role in my friend’s life. It took a long time to get to this place for me. And so last night, my friend calls me?! Am I being used? My friend knows I will be there. My friend knows I still have great love, and my friend, I believe, still has great love for me. My friend talks about having nothing left here and wanting to disappear. I AM HERE. I understand that my friend is hurting, and I will never leave my friend without support, but where is my own personal line to walk away?

Categories: Life Tags: , ,

Dear Little Girl

November 29, 2007 Leave a comment

You have found yourself down an undesirable road, and now you feel it’s the only road possible for you to keep following. You are hurt and have been for so long that you don’t remember what it was like to not feel that way. You have rejected the love given to you so much that you were forced to seek it out in other places. You gave away things you can give away only once. You live in such a shadow that the cold has made you numb.

But it doesn’t have to be like that, little girl.

I have been down that road. I remember what it was like to be so depressed it hurt. I remember wanting to do nothing but rebel against all I knew in my heart to be true because rebelling was the easy thing at the time. But it did not satisfy. It only pushed me deeper into despair. I cast my own shadow and then forced myself to live under its weight of unrealistic expectations and out of control fears. To return to the correct path seemed to be too much effort, and I was so, so tired. I made choices I regret to this day. I made choices that have consequences I still deal with today. But only I made those choices. No one else did by their seeming over-protectiveness or oppression to my freedom.

Little girl, do you know how I made it back on the right path? I realized the selfishness in my ways. I realized I was miserable because I was living for myself. I believed I was a good person and because of that I could be around those throwing their lives away with bad decisions. It was nothing but arrogance. Yes, it was hard to get back. Yes, it took more effort than I thought I had. But do you know where I got my strength?

From the very place you are running.

When I was a little girl, I was taught that God would never leave me or forsake me, but I felt that He had. In reality, I had left Him. When I was a little girl, God seemed powerful enough to do anything, but I felt I had grown up to the point that this was unrealistic. In reality, He is bigger than my mind can fathom. It was only when I put my beliefs in myself away and surrendered that I was able to begin climbing out of the depression. It was only after I threw away religion and found a relationship. A relationship with God that never disappoints. Notice I did not say never hard, but it never disappoints.

Little girl, I tell you this because I love you, and I haven’t told you I love you enough. Little girl, I tell you this because I am sad about the choices you have made. I know I could not have stopped you, but I did not warn you as I should have. For that, I am sorry. But, little girl, do not tarry down this road too much longer. Every day you walk this way, the more scars it leaves.

Take it from me, little girl, for I could show you my scars.

Categories: Life Tags: , ,