Posts Tagged ‘realizations’

1 john 4:18?

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

So this past weekend came to light something: intense fear. And as soon as I realized it, I began to work through it. This verse keeps coming into my head. And you know what? It pisses me off. Maybe not the verse itself, but the fact that I obviously don’t understand perfect love and cannot accept it because I am still afraid.

The past two days I have continually been pissed off. I don’t want to talk to anybody, mostly because I’m pretty sure they might get unintended and misdirected ire. The crappy thing is I can’t figure out where it should be directed.

I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to type next. I know this is the Internet and anyone who stumbles upon this can read it, so I don’t want to be too open, but I am a very sincere person. So whatever.

One thing I know is that the devil’s temptings are right here next to me. I have recently had a breakthrough in the hurt and guilt I possessed over some sin of mine, and the devil is pissed that he no longer has me convinced that this sin is what I wanted deep down in my being. I feel like he’s cut his loss and moved on. He’s taken the strides the Spirit and I made this weekend in regard to my future move and my view on leaving Lexington and made me scared.

Even in the last few hours, as I’ve sat at work finishing up for the day, old topics of fear have returned, mostly having to do with a best friend who has decided that her boyfriend is more important than almost anything else. My relationships are the most important things to me in this life, and they are becoming full of fear. Again. This is not how it should be.

So if you think about it, say a prayer for me please. In the meantime, I’ll be asking for something God says He will give abundantly¬†if we ask: wisdom.

Categories: Life Tags: , , , , ,

donald miller thoughts.

When I was a freshman in college, I read Blue Like Jazz. I also heard a sermon on a single chapter of the book, and went through it with a group of people in my dorm. The thoughts Donald Miller puts in this “memoir” really started the maturing of my faith that I underwent while I was in college, and even now.

My sophomore year I read Searching for God Knows What. I am currently making my way through Through Painted Desserts, and after this weekend, I’m pumped for when I’m able to get my hands on A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.

So fast forward to now. I guess now is as good a time as any to announce that I am officially moving to New Orleans next year to undertake a film project with my friend Lori. This has been something we have been in prayer about together for about 9 months and her for much longer than that. So anyway, I was excited to visit this past week for about 5 days and get used to the city a little more, but the trip ended up falling through. I can’t express how disappointed I was.¬†Then I found out Donald Miller was coming to Southland Christian Church to speak the same weekend I was supposed to go. I was pretty excited to see him and the possibility of getting a book signed or something.

And God used Donald Miller’s words to again change my perspectives and affirm things that I am fearful about in my life.

What Donald spoke about this weekend is the concept of our lives as the telling of a story, and how God doesn’t necessarily give us a specific plan to follow to glorify Him, but says, “here are gifts and passions and dreams for you,” and guides you. And in this story, conflict is the essential and most important factor. And of course, what comes hand in hand with conflict is…. fear.

I have been really afraid of this project. Excited, but so afraid. What if I go down there and can’t support myself? How will my parents react to my leaving the great life I have made for myself here in Lexington? What if we never finish the film? What if it never goes anywhere but on my DVD rack next to my college comedy shorts that no one ever watches? Then I’ve left an absolutely wonderful job here in Lexington with a great living situation, etc, etc.

But my story is about telling stories. That is what God has given me a passion and a talent to do. And God used Donald Miller this weekend to affirm it. It doesn’t matter what conflict I run into now and when I go, because this is all part of my story. A story that I feel is worth living, and living well, because that’s what God calls all His children to do here on earth until the “Act III Climax” also known as the Wedding Feast of Heaven. I can’t wait to be a bride, but especially the bride of Christ.

So thanks Don yet again using your words, this time in person, to inspire my faith.


November 29, 2009 Leave a comment

I’ve come to realize something this morning, and it’s something that’s been simmering in my heart for a while. This morning at church, Mike told us a quote, “I do not fear failure; I fear being successful at things that do not matter.” As he went on to preach on our significance through Christ and “to sit down on the inside,” I realized how successful I am. But many times my flesh, and the pressure of the American dream around me, tells me I am a failure by those standards. I live in the town I went to school, hanging out with the same people, bumming off friends to live and work, and not even a job using your degree.

But these are not the things at which I wish to be successful.

I love. A lot. I live in a household full of support and encouragement and growth. I work in an environment focused on asking the wisdom of God in all decisions. I spend time building relationships that are Christ-focused and trying to make each other better. I have a church family in which I serve and receive love and worship and learn who I am in Christ.

This is where I am successful.

Don’t let anyone tell you what you do determines your worth. I have held onto this lie for far too long. I am not what I do. What I do is an outflow of who I am, and only things done under the power of God will last. All the good things I’ve done under my own power will burn away.

Burn away.

Categories: Life Tags: , ,


September 22, 2009 Leave a comment

Every morning on the way to work I turn off the radio and pray. Most of the times it’s out loud. Other times, I’m silent and try to listen. Something I’ve come to notice is how selfish my prayers are. And I don’t mean selfish as in they are all about me; I’m not 14 and viewing my God as Santa Claus. But my prayers are always for those closest to me, and the things they’re going through. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I shouldn’t pray for my best friends, my family, my future plans, etc. But my prayers still seem so self-centered. This world is hurting. There are the homeless, those without clean water, those suffering from oppression, so many even here in affluent Lexington that need Jesus. And what do I pray for in the morning? All of MY friends. Everything around ME.


All this has come to light because of some recent events. They started off indirectly affecting me. I’ve been praying for the situation daily for a while now. Then these events became very personal. Satan got his way with some miscommunication and some feelings, and now I find myself looking up from a pit I haven’t jumped into for quite some time.

We’ve been talking a lot around church and small group lately about trusting the Christ in others. It’s something that’s hard to do. The issue of trust isn’t usually a hard one for me. It usually takes me getting taken advantage of before I don’t trust someone. But what about the other way around. Am I trustworthy? I’d like to think so. I’m a horrible liar, which is actually a wonderful gift, and I don’t like bullshit – generally trustworthy things. But last night I wasn’t trusted by someone, and it’s made me question the Christ in me – which is horrible. I shouldn’t. But I am. And this all comes back to love. I am so loved, so why do I feel so unloved? If I could get a hundredth of that question answered, I could get by with that for the rest of my life probably.

Until then, here I am. Needing to let go, and let God. But instead re-evaluating my friendships and acting pretty stupid. Dang, why am I so hard-headed?

Categories: Life Tags: , , , , , ,

A Lesson from Race Across the Creek

August 7, 2009 1 comment

Today I got to looking at pictures on Facebook of a relay race I was apart of at camp this summer: the First Annual Race Across the Creek. It was one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done, along with one of the most unique experiences of community I’ve had. I remember how difficult it was to get out of bed knowing what I was heading toward, but when it was over, I knew it was the right decision. That being said, I realize that the time I spent that day with Grace and Allison may be an example of a bigger step to take place in my life in a few short months.

heading to the starting line of Race Across the Creek

heading to the starting line of Race Across the Creek

I got to thinking tonight about how amazingly at home I feel here in Lexington. I know I’ve only been here for 2 days, but I feel better here these two days than I did most of my previous 4 years. I know things may change once school starts, but I finally feel like I have a life. My church family has provided me with a free place to live (with wonderful friends, nonetheless!) and a wonderful job. I’m going to start another job in a month or so, and my best friends move back this weekend. But even with all this, I know I’m not meant to stay in Lexington. God has been preparing me for something else, and I may have figured it out. The thing is, it’s going to be a lot like doing the Race Across the Creek.

I’m going to have to leave the comfort of Lexington and go somewhere and do something more challenging than I’ve ever done in my life.

It’s going to be so hard to leave. I have been praying for the strength to be able to up and go when the time comes. One of my best friends said to me the other day, “You knew it would happen. We all struggle with [our focus]. God may ask you to give up a good life to go where He’s called you.”

Where, God?

Somewhere along the way, I got lost. I thought I was striving toward the glory of my Lord, but somewhere along the way, I ended up here: questioning, desperate, and alone. It’s my own fault, and no one else’s. I became so focused on what I thought was God’s will for me, when in reality, I was focusing on what I wanted God’s will for me to be. I wanted something that in my mind I defined as “big”: years overseas, a prestigious church job, another summer as a big shot videographer at camp.

And then, ironically, the big ice storm, and how I spent my time during it, snapped things into perspective. God has always gifted me a servant’s heart for those around me. It manifests itself oddly sometimes, whether volunteering to walk through the storm to Kroger, attempting to shovel the parking lot, or buying a new pair of pants, but I always do it because I want to serve those I love.

But what about those I don’t love?

Unfortunately, there are too many people that fall into that category. I have continued to question why God kept me here in Lexington, and I believe now it was to knock me off my high horse, to destroy my pedestal, and show me where I needed to improve in life. Well, it’s working. I have nothing here I am passionate about here in Lexington anymore, except my church. Passion is such a vital part of my life that it’s been difficult feeling as though I am invested in nothing for the Kingdom right now. I feel like my life is on hold, but then again, I’ve felt like that for a while now. In fact, one of the few times I didn’t feel that way was when I was in the Dominican Republic.

I read my Bible for the first time in over a month today. I wrote in my prayer journal for the first time in almost 3 weeks. I believe working on my relationship with God is the first step to loving those I don’t right now.

I know there are different seasons in life, and each is necessary (Ecclesiastes anyone?), but I don’t know what this season is for, and I don’t think God is going to give me any answers. It’s hard. You’re only young for so long and you’re only single for (hopefully) so long. My hopes and dreams for this insignificant amount of time on earth have changed drastically in recent years, and I’m not fulfilling any of them sitting here in the Dungeon feeling like an annoyance.

I’m strong now. I’m strong enough to be free, and I’m ready to go.

Where, God?

Living with Loving Intensely: iv

December 6, 2008 1 comment

I hate posts that sound like they are just a pity party. I hate sounding emo. But I have to vent; I have to ponder.

I don’t know when I’ll be leaving. Yes, in weeks I will be a graduate of the University of Kentucky, but I don’t know when the next chapter of my life begins away from here. So, I am becoming sentimental. I am like that to begin with, but now I’m even more so. Maybe it’s making all this come to light more potently in my mind. Either way, I’m tired of feeling like this, and the fact that I am strong enough to walk away from it makes me very, very sad.

Would you rather not spend time with someone who is important to you, or feel ignored when you do get to spend time together?

This question is staring me in the face. Soon, it will not matter, but I want to take advantage of the time I have left with those who have been integral in my life these past few years. But to tell you (whoever you are) the truth, I’m freakin’ tired of feeling unappreciated. I feel as though I do my part; I put the effort into my end. I offer to fix dinner, make sure I’m quiet when others are sleeping, and automatically buy athletic tickets. Do I ever get a hug or an ‘I love you’? Nope. Do I ever get even a thank you? Nope. I’m not saying I need it, but it would be nice.

And then when I feel like I have the nerve to bring it up, one of two things keeps me from doing it: 1- an intense fear of spending any of the time we have left in the same physical place with you being mad at me, or 2- remembering a text message from you asking why you can never make me happy, why I have to get upset with stupid things.

I don’t know what to do. Frankly, I have other friends who are more concerned about me, and spending time with me. But they are not here. They wish they got the chance to be in the same place as me. I am worth spending time with, worth loving. Maybe it’s time to cut my losses of those that no longer reciprocate and move on.

I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Why do you no longer treat me like I’m important?