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Posts Tagged ‘sleeplessness’

merry day after Christmas.

December 27, 2008 Leave a comment

9 All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.

10 My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.

11 My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds;
my neighbors stay far away.                       -Psalm 38

I don’t know what’s going on. I mean, I know I’m a college graduate, and I also know that didn’t get me a job. Now, I’m back at square one. Actually, square zero. I don’t have 3 and a half years to figure anything out anymore. Being here at home has done nothing but remind me of camp, ironically, and I just want to go back. I want to be back at JCreek because the real world seemed so far away then. Everything that wasn’t important was far away. Now I find myself sitting up in a dark living room questioning things I haven’t questioned in a long time. Why am I here? What’s my purpose? Yeah, I know I am to bring glory to God, and that’s just it. Where do I go from here to do that? Is going back to Lexington to live in and clean the BCM bldg really what is next for me?

So much drama and stress happened over me leaving, and I prepared my heart to leave. In time, I became anxious to go. To move on. To start over. Now, I’m stuck. I’m living on campus, without a job, and without direction. I don’t want to force anything, but I’ve been looking at the Journeyman program. Two years overseas. I don’t think my parents could handle that, but I know I was made for more than substitute teaching in Somerset, Kentucky until something better comes along. I was made for more than working in fast food in Lexington, Kentucky until something better comes along.

Categories: Life Tags: , , , , ,

i wanna go Home.

November 17, 2008 1 comment

Last week was unlike any I’ve ever gone through. Quite high on the difficulty scale, there was little sleep, little class, much tears, and much driving, leading to a lot of playing catch-up for a lot of us this week. Not good timing with the end of the semester quickly approaching.

Yesterday, as I was pulling out of church, I was thinking about the way situations and relationships where handled this past week. Death, especially untimely and seemingly unfair death like we’ve experienced, many times brings about perspective. I used to hate that word. It brought me nothing but guilt. Now, I’m a little more keen on the subject. Anyway, I realized that no matter how I feel, I should do everything in my power to make sure people feel nothing but love from me. Even if I feel wronged, even if I want them to see my hurt, I should never make them feel anything but love. God will take care of the rest. Now, I know this sounds like another Christian cliche, but I hope you know I’m above that shit. This is truth. Easier said than done, but truth. It’s all about perspective.

Mostly the overwhelming feeling I have had this week is jealousy and anger. I am jealous that Tom and Brad got to leave this world, and angry that it wasn’t me. If that sounds morbid, so be it. This world is not my home. I don’t belong here. As a follower of Christ, I know that’s the truth. The most common thought I’ve had besides “I can’t believe he’s really gone” is “I can’t believe they got to go.” Heaven isn’t something I think about a lot, and with this perspective, (there’s that darn word again) it’s been on the forefront of my mind. I hate not being able to wrap my mind around things, and heaven is definitely one of those things. It’s times like these that I realize the fleetingness of this world, and relationships here, and my heart yearns for Home.

My heart yearns for Home.

No Answers

I haven’t been sleeping well lately, and I can’t figure out why.

I mean, I’m not worrying about anything really, I’m not drinking excessive amounts of caffeine (almost none, actually), and I’m not working with a messed-up sleeping pattern (yet…I have to work quite early in the morning).

I thought I’d have more thoughts right here, maybe say something profound to make myself feel better and maybe mean something for someone who reads this. But I don’t, and maybe I don’t need it. Maybe for once in my life it’s ok not having any answers. I mean, I really don’t have any answers:

I don’t know where my money is going to come from for the Dominican trip.
As a matter of fact, I don’t know where my money is going to come from for food and rent.
I don’t know what happens after I graduate.
I don’t know when or if my future husband will show up.
I don’t know what God’s plan is.

But I guess it’s ok, and I’ll just keep trying to go to sleep.

Categories: Life Tags: , ,