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A night of realizations.

September 3, 2008 Leave a comment

I’m laying on the couch alone with multiple people angry with me and my recent actions. And though if those people were to read this, they would not believe me when I say I’m done with all that. For real this time. I’ve never actually said it, but this time I am. But I’m going to have to prove it with my actions now. And that’s ok. My friends love me enough to give me tough love, too. I’m blessed like that. As much as I just want everything to be okay right now, I know this is going to take time, and I did that to myself.

There was a time when this would happen and I would see no light at the end of the tunnel. I’d be so wrapped up in my actions that I wouldn’t see the bigger picture. And this causes me to realize how far I’ve come. I also realize, though, that I cannot trust myself with some things. It’s not the people, it’s not the stress, it’s all me.

I’ve come to a turning point in my life. This summer prepared me for this, I know that now. If camp had no other point for me, it was so when I got to this day, I knew I could do it. Not to say I’m not scared, well downright terrified actually, but I know in the end, I’ll be ok. Not just fine, but perfectly ok.

I am scared I’m not ready. But I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to leave some things. The good thing is I’ve got those things so close to my heart, they don’t have any choice but to come with me, even if its not physically.

God has shown me something tonight I haven’t ever fully tried to fathom: grace. And while I don’t claim to have a grasp on such a concept, I have willingly accepted it for the first time in my life. God has protected me while I was in the middle of my irresponsibility, and I’m done having to be in the position to realize that. I only hope the most important people realize I’m telling the truth and I’m sorry.

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