trust?

Every morning on the way to work I turn off the radio and pray. Most of the times it’s out loud. Other times, I’m silent and try to listen. Something I’ve come to notice is how selfish my prayers are. And I don’t mean selfish as in they are all about me; I’m not 14 and viewing my God as Santa Claus. But my prayers are always for those closest to me, and the things they’re going through. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I shouldn’t pray for my best friends, my family, my future plans, etc. But my prayers still seem so self-centered. This world is hurting. There are the homeless, those without clean water, those suffering from oppression, so many even here in affluent Lexington that need Jesus. And what do I pray for in the morning? All of MY friends. Everything around ME.

Ugh.

All this has come to light because of some recent events. They started off indirectly affecting me. I’ve been praying for the situation daily for a while now. Then these events became very personal. Satan got his way with some miscommunication and some feelings, and now I find myself looking up from a pit I haven’t jumped into for quite some time.

We’ve been talking a lot around church and small group lately about trusting the Christ in others. It’s something that’s hard to do. The issue of trust isn’t usually a hard one for me. It usually takes me getting taken advantage of before I don’t trust someone. But what about the other way around. Am I trustworthy? I’d like to think so. I’m a horrible liar, which is actually a wonderful gift, and I don’t like bullshit – generally trustworthy things. But last night I wasn’t trusted by someone, and it’s made me question the Christ in me – which is horrible. I shouldn’t. But I am. And this all comes back to love. I am so loved, so why do I feel so unloved? If I could get a hundredth of that question answered, I could get by with that for the rest of my life probably.

Until then, here I am. Needing to let go, and let God. But instead re-evaluating my friendships and acting pretty stupid. Dang, why am I so hard-headed?

The Glory of Unfinished Stories.

This weekend was bookended with two very random occurances, & I know I need to share them.

Thursday night I received an at-reply on Twitter from someone I didn’t know, letting me know he reads this blog and it has made him think. I responded appreciatively and offered to try to answer any questions he had. The following two days of conversation blessed my life (That’s right Azrin, if you’re reading, I want you to know you have given me something you couldn’t even realize). I was asked to put my faith into words. This may not seems like a big deal, but wait until you have to do it. I was so blown away by his searching heart, willing to email a random person to further his search for Truth. My prayer life got a dose of perspective from this young man, and I pray that this story isn’t over. Keep searching. You will know when you have found the Truth; it is God and living for Him makes it worth it to wake up in the morning.

If this wasn’t enough, what happened to me and the girls last night is still rocking my world:
Coming back from my parent’s house to Lexington, I wasn’t planning on hanging out on campus, but ended up there at a cookout. Later that night I was at the house of my best friends and we were just watching tv. Someone knocked on the door, and it was a young man wanting to plug in his cell phone so he could make a call. Now, this wasn’t the safest part of town, so I kept an eye on him, realizing he was very upset as he was talking. He came in to ask for a pen & pencil, and I proceeded to ask him if there was anything we could do for him, trying to get his story. With tears streaming down his face, he told me his mom texted him to say goodbye because she had taken a bottle of pain killers.

I was blown away, as I’m sure the girls were too. Later I ended up talking on the phone to this young man’s father, pleading with me to give him a ride to the hospital in Georgetown where his mom was (about half an hour away). As much as I was ready to up and go, I realized the safety concerns, and after a dozen phone calls, my friends Josh and Matt came to pick up this young man. Before he left, we circled around him and prayed for him and his mother. The whole situation just shook me, and thank God for His providence.

Just the way God orchestrated that whole situation is still blowing my mind. Rachel told me later she just felt like she was supposed to open the door (even after some reprimanding from me about being more careful). Even just the fact that the girls were in the front of the house where they could hear the door is proof of God’s sovereignty. And of course, it is no accident that this young man chose to knock on their house, a house full of followers of Christ willing to show Love, even when common sense tells you not to do so.

So I guess you could say my weekend is one of stories I may never know the ending of, and I’m really okay with that. I’ve been praying for more purpose here in Lexington, and God delivered, and of course not in the way I was expecting.

My God fills me with awe & wonder, and I will praise Him forever.

Identity but no Purpose?

I was listening to an interview with Donald Miller the other day, and he said something to the effect of this, “I believe that our self-identity comes from a source outside of us. God tells us who we are.” At first, I was like, wait what? But the more I got to thinking about it, the more I found truth in it, especially when it comes to us finding our identity in things that are not Christ, as I have a horrible history of doing.

This morning while I was praying, I was talking to God about this, and even when I find my identity in Him, what is it? That I’m a child of God? Okay. And maybe this next bit is going to prove my immaturity in this matter, but then what? I know I am a child of God, I am His, but that fact doesn’t give me any purpose in my life. That’s what I’m missing. I’ve been finding purpose through friendships, and yet again, God is taking them away from me painfully in order to show me that’s wrong. I know I can’t find purpose in what I do, I mean, I’m not exactly making a difference in the world with what I do at work. So that leaves me where…. ?

Worrying. If I’m being honest. Which is a sin. Yeah, worrying is a sin. Especially when the things I’m worrying about, like the growing apart of friendships, are out of my control. I know God is Sovereign, and I need to act more like it. How, I do not know. What I do know is that in Romans 12:12 it says to “rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.” If I’m being honest again, I suck at the first two.

So I’m going to keep thinking about what Donald Miller said, and I’m going to keep praying. But I’m especially going to keep rejoicing and being patient. And maybe somewhere, someday, I’ll wake up in this post-college life I’m leading and have purpose.