Goodbye friend.

Tom, I never realized how many memories I have with you. You were in integral part of my life since you stepped foot on this campus almost 2 and a half years ago and Kristina introduced you as “Tommy,” which of course led to the infamous “Mike” story. You knew how to push my buttons right from the beginning. I remember trying to get behind in Killer when you first started playing ’cause you were BAD. I guess that’s not the case, now, huh? We have been saying all day how you’re playing with Jesus now. I said you’re losing, but Ben had a little more faith, he said you’re teaching Jesus the U-shot. 🙂

I love the final memories I have of you, from this past weekend. It was my last fall retreat, and I didn’t even want to go. I enjoyed a game of Killer with you, and we talked about the night Andrew hit me in the face with the ping-pong ball. It seemed like so long ago. And of course your accidental “shit” into the microphone that had the entire group laughing for a good 2 minutes. You always did make me smile with that mischievous grin of yours.

You were always helpful and sweet, and damn I hate using the past tense. I can’t believe this has happened. It’s the stuff that happens to other people, and you hear about it and are sad for them, but then go about your life. I can’t go about my life. I realized that when I had to call Kristina and tell her you were gone only to listen to her lose it over the phone. I wanted nothing more than to span the 70 miles that separated us.

The BCM wasn’t how you would have liked it today. An awkward hush abounded. I felt stifled after hearing about Bradley, went for a drive, only to realize I had nowhere to go. I returned just as we got the call about you. I made it downstairs before I lost it. Now that I have no one to be strong for, it’s become hard. My mind keeps telling me you’re gone, but I make myself stop before I really realized what that means. You’re GONE. Oh, gosh. Oh gosh, oh gosh.

I know you would want us to continue life. I played 2 games of Killer for you tonight, and almost beat Josh for you. I’ve been staring at my Music History notes for 7 hours now, and nothing is sticking. It’s a sucky distraction. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to lose someone. You were 20. Gosh, that damn past tense.

I want to go on, but I can’t. Oh gosh…

I couldn’t keep it from spilling.

I know trying to write all this down is going to come up so short in comparison to the emotions that are welling up in me at this moment. There’s this book called The Shack by William Paul Young, and it’s been pretty popular and talked about among my church body here in Lexington. I picked it up a few weeks ago, and I believe God orchestrated it for me to read it at this period in my life. I’ve been having a rough go, and made a choice this past weekend, and now this…

I don’t want to talk about the theology of the book, because I think God uses everything for good, no matter how wrong or right it is, but I will say putting words into God’s mouth doesn’t sit well with me. That being said, from the get-go, this book stirred in me. I’m not going to get into the plot, but talk about parts that resonated to the core of my soul.

The main character Mack, is tied down by what he calls “The Great Sadness,” and it’s the most fitting description I have found of the depression I have gone through: “…The Great Sadness had draped itself around Mack’s shoulders like some invisible but almost tangible heavy quilt. The weight of its presence dulled his eyes and stooped his shoulders. Even his efforts to shake it off were exhausting, as if his arms were sewn into its bleak folds of despair and he had somehow become part of it. He ate, worked, loved, dreamed and played in this garment of heaviness, weighed down as if he were wearing a leaden bathrobe—trudging daily through the murky despondency that sucked the color out of everything. At times he could feel The Great Sadness slowly tightening around his chest and heart like the crushing coils of a constrictor, squeezing liquid from his eyes until he thought there no longer remained a reservoir. Other times he would dream that his feet were stuck in cloying mud…”

Going along with this has been my struggle in my close relationships to be content and satisfied. To feel an equal, and to feel loved. I had come to a point where the hurt was so great, and so I was done being transparent and open and just put on a face in order to be there for my friends and reciprocate what I was not feeling, but so desperately desired.

See, I feel like I deserve things and because of this, I feel the need to control things. And this is why “’…experiencing true relationship is so difficult for you,’ Jesus [in The Shack] added. ‘Once you have a hierarchy you need rules to protect and administer it, and then you need law and the enforcement of the rules, and you end up with some kind of chain of command or a system or order that destroys relationship rather than promotes it. You rarely see or experience relationship apart from power. Hierarchy imposes laws and rules and you end up missing the wonder of relationship that we intended for you.’”

I have ruined my relationships. The evil in this world and the independence I feel like I have the right to assert ruins my chance at real relationship. This realization did not overwhelm me with grief as I expected it to, but served as a lifting of a burden, a freeing feeling.

Near the end of the novel, Sarayu, the character the represents the Holy Spirit, says this: “’…Mack, if you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. But what happens if I change that ‘expectancy’ to an ‘expectation’—spoken or unspoken? Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or the responsibilities of a good friend.’”

This is what I have done. I have expectations: an unprompted hug, being confided in, hearing “I love you” not out of obligation, an effort to spend time together, or even just my expectation of attention. I cannot do this and have relationships survive, and I am sorry that I have done it.

This day started early—6:30 AM—and when I finally turned the last page of this novel, it took time to pacify the intensity I felt. It is unfortunate I was sitting here at work in front of a computer and not outside where I may have just run for the sheer thrill of exhaustion. I do not know how this is going to change my life once my shift ends and what I am beginning to process collides with real life and my quickly-changing future. But I do know my first order of business is to remove expectations, and to live with expectancy. Even today as I have walked to and from class and work, I have been able to marvel at my God and well up with nothing other than complete trust.

I could not have arrived at this point without the events the preceded it in their precise order: the healing I experienced at camp this summer, the turmoil and changing of mine and my best friend’s relationship, the struggles my mother is experiencing, and the removal of myself from those I love so dearly. I praise my Almighty Creator for giving me such a small bit of clarity and I pray I never act as though it never happened.

Living with Loving Intensely: ii

Life never seems to hand you one thing at a time. It always opens up the sky and downpours right as you put away the umbrella cause you think you’ve got it under control. My life has been nothing but intense situations the past couple of days. So I think I’m gonna be pretty transparent this early morning at work. Yes, I know this is the Internet and that’s a dangerous thing, but truthfully, not many people read this, and if someday they do, I hope God uses this for His glory…

I was thinking back last night to one of the roughest times in my life. It was around Easter a year and a half ago. My life had spiraled down to the point that I wasn’t sleeping, eating, or much of anything. I pretty much laid in bed all day. My mom came up from Florida to stay with me, and I remember waking up in the hotel room bed, sticking my head under the pillow and bawling uncontrollably because I knew this was something I couldn’t fix.

I thought I had screwed up my life. I had made choices that brought me to that place. I wasn’t worth the blessings I still had, and I didn’t feel worthy enough to stay on this planet.

But God is bigger than my screw-ups. He is bigger than my situations, and He is bigger than my relationships. When I feel consumed by these things: especially the latter two, I have to remember how small they are in comparison to His Love for me. Gosh, that sounds so cliche and corny, but when you’ve felt it, it’s anything but.

This summer, at camp, I wondered if I’d ever be able to move past my screw-ups. I wondered if I’d ever be able to depend on God anywhere near how I should. And though the whole summer I never ‘felt’ God, was never able to get into the ‘zone’ and worship Him, He still blessed my desire to make things better in my life. It didn’t happen quickly, in fact it didn’t come to fruition until I left camp, but it happened. And yes, now that I realize what I’ve got: 4 relationships where I am challenged, loved, encouraged, and given opportunities to love and encourage, I want to go back to camp and appreciate them in that environment.

Instead, I pray.

I pray for the struggles, I pray for the relationships, I pray for the pain, I pray for the busyness, and I most certainly pray for the love. And while sometimes I feel like praying is talking to a wall, I have come to realize when I do it with a believing heart, it’s the most powerful thing I can be doing for them.

So while my life may be a waiting game right now and is going to change drastically in a few short months, and while my friendships that once were strong are slipping through my grasping fingertips, and while the place that once felt like home and now is my literal home is the most uncomfortable place in the world, I continue to pray. And you know what? I’m ok. Not fine, mind you, but ok. 🙂

“Therefore, do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have the need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what was promised.” Hebrews 10:32-33

Living with Loving Intensely:

I’ve found myself to have fallen into a new circle of friends, and I’m starting to critically examine not only how & why it happened, but whether or not I want it to stay that way. Where does one draw the line at being a good friend? New relationships bring about a change, so is it the duty of the supportive best friend to go along? Is it necessary in order to preserve the friendship? Or is it selfish to resist the change & want some continuity from a best friend?

I have gotten into trouble before with aligning my life and another’s too much. This has caused me to be extremely fearful & cautious of this happening again. And it hasn’t. I have my own life. But God has created me with a huge capacity to love, & love intensely. This makes me extremely loyal & willing to fight for my friendships. But where is the line?

It’s not that I don’t like my new circle, but I wouldn’t have necessarily chosen it. I just don’t feel accepted into it, a welcome part of it. I hope that it just takes time. But when a best friend changes because of a relationship, I am presented with the choice to assimilate, or spend very little time with her. Is that fair? As much as I don’t like the choice, is it just part of life, no fault of anyone? It’s not as though it’s been easy for my best friend, taking on a new realm of everything, but at least she has the benefit of a relationship! I get a little more neglect, a lot less affection, and a struggle in order to spend time with her. I have to wait for this new circle to decide its plans & then wait for my best friend to include me in them. If I make my own plans, I am almost always on my own or forgotten about. When is it ok to be upset by this? It makes me feel that any time I get with my best friend must be taken advantage of, because I don’t get much of it. And if it isn’t taken advantage of, but it spent awkwardly or forced, is it a sign it’s time to let go?

I want to fight for it, but I’m tired of taking one for the team over & over. In the past, I would just keep taking it & taking it. But I’ve changed, I have a greater sense of self-worth. I deserve to feel loved. I deserve to have time spent with me. I deserve to be appreciated. I just don’t know what to do.

this world is evil. just plain evil.

It’s funny how this world works, ya know? Without getting into why God would make the world when He, being omnicscient, knew Satan would do what he did, and just let him run his evil all over the place, I really have been thinking about spiritual warfare today. Maybe it’s because I feel as though I’m undergoing a lot right now.

There’s this book I read the summer before last called This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti. It’s about the story of two small town newpaper reporters and a pastor investigating and battling a cult-like New Age group that have infiltrated their town. The crazy thing about it is the spiritual aspect to the novel. There is a very contemporary view of angels, demons, and prayer. The angels and the demons actually fight each other, get injured, battle over the thoughts of people, and even delve into the physical realm to scare or encourage the humans. It was an amazing book and really changed my view on a lot of things, especially prayer. In the novel, angels are given power and strength through prayer and the demons are likewise distracted from their evil tasks.

Without getting into the theology of all this, I was sitting in class today and got a familiar twinge of anxiety in my stomach. The reason is besides the point, but it was about something that I have absolutely no control over, no matter how hard I try. And I started to think about how Satan was trying to get me to worry, to panic, and to try and manipulate situations in order to make myself feel better. Well, sitting in class trying to pay attention to a lecture on telephony, one can imagine how my mind could be consumed with this.

Why do we get attacked spiritually? I’ve always thought that unless you’re doing something right, Satan leaves you alone. So, I’ve been honored when put under spiritual attack. But still, it made me wonder what I’m doing right. Is it my plans to leave Lexington in the near future? If so, Satan knows where to hit me: my fears about my friendships continuing. My fears about losing my best friend to a boy. My fears about being no longer needed by those I have invested in for years and have invested in me. What worth are they if it just all can go away without a fight or even an acknowledgement?

All of that to say this: I used to be told that I have a choice. I can wake up in the morning and choose to by happy. So I’m trying. Thus far today, I have not exactly succeeded, but I’m working on it. Circumstances keep arising telling me to act otherwise, telling me my fears are not unfounded, but I must press on. God is refining me, and the thing about that is it hurts. I don’t call this blog “Refined by the Fire” for nothing. It’s a reminder for me, as well.

A night of realizations.

I’m laying on the couch alone with multiple people angry with me and my recent actions. And though if those people were to read this, they would not believe me when I say I’m done with all that. For real this time. I’ve never actually said it, but this time I am. But I’m going to have to prove it with my actions now. And that’s ok. My friends love me enough to give me tough love, too. I’m blessed like that. As much as I just want everything to be okay right now, I know this is going to take time, and I did that to myself.

There was a time when this would happen and I would see no light at the end of the tunnel. I’d be so wrapped up in my actions that I wouldn’t see the bigger picture. And this causes me to realize how far I’ve come. I also realize, though, that I cannot trust myself with some things. It’s not the people, it’s not the stress, it’s all me.

I’ve come to a turning point in my life. This summer prepared me for this, I know that now. If camp had no other point for me, it was so when I got to this day, I knew I could do it. Not to say I’m not scared, well downright terrified actually, but I know in the end, I’ll be ok. Not just fine, but perfectly ok.

I am scared I’m not ready. But I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to leave some things. The good thing is I’ve got those things so close to my heart, they don’t have any choice but to come with me, even if its not physically.

God has shown me something tonight I haven’t ever fully tried to fathom: grace. And while I don’t claim to have a grasp on such a concept, I have willingly accepted it for the first time in my life. God has protected me while I was in the middle of my irresponsibility, and I’m done having to be in the position to realize that. I only hope the most important people realize I’m telling the truth and I’m sorry.

JCreek ’08 – the final installment (VI)

Now that I’ve been home a few days and had the time to evaluate the past 67 days of my life, I’m truly amazed at the blessing it was. I remember what my status on Facebook was the few days before I left: Ashlyn wishes it was August. Now that I’m staring in the face of August, I’m full of the craziest mixture of emotions. Sadness, excitement, anxiety, gratitude, exhaustion, and confusion all rolled into one.

I’ve been thinking back to training week and how scared I was. Helping everyone move in, wondering how we’d fit that many of us in that room (still wondering how we did that), and trying to figure out what the heck I was doing with that video camera. Everyone thought I was really quiet and shy, which I’m pretty sure they don’t anymore. I was always nervous to ask people to be in a video. Thankfully, everyone was up for the random ideas I had, like putting a kayak on the tower, tackling each other, or running in a huge group over the hill.

One of my favorite times of the week were Sunday afternoon lunches. We all came together before another week started. Those that left the past weekend were welcomed back, and memories of time together was laughed about. Although I despised most of the rest of Sundays, this time at 11:30am is something I’ll always cherish. As I struggle to figure out how to incorporate the past 2 and a half months into “real life,” I feel as though I’m desperately grasping at the wisps of the summer falling from my mind. Yes, I know there’s the Staff DVD, but it’s not the same unless I’m sitting in the JCafe listening to my friends laugh at it for the first time or sitting in Lindsey’s apartment getting ready for a wedding and laughing again.

I think the thing I am most afraid of is that as I return to school and BCM and my impending graduation from college, all the things God showed me and taught me this summer won’t seem real because I’m no longer in that environment. I spent my entire summer being around the same 30-35 people, practically 24 hours a day. Suddenly, these people are mostly gone from my life and I am shoved back into a world of school loans, living paycheck to paycheck, and people not being intentional and real. I don’t ever want to forget what I learned about being a servant, about true leadership without recognition, about finding worth solely in Christ. I don’t want to forget conversations outside the Cafe on the weekend, conversations in the tech booth during Bible study, or conversations sitting on the beach chair during third rotation. I don’t want to forget laughing at kids on the ski boat, cracking up when staffers couldn’t go down the slip and slide, or taunting each other playing dodgeball. God BLESSED me by allowing me to serve alongside amazing people this summer. I still feel so unworthy to be considered in the same group as them. I feel like making a 45 minute staff DVD was nowhere near enough of a gift from me to them.

So as I face the next few weeks of detox, know that while I won’t miss the snoring reverberating around the room, I will miss nightly roommate conversations. Though I won’t miss the incredible mess in our floor and bathroom, I will miss the community of all our crap being in one place. Though I won’t miss most mornings, I will miss making faces behind Crenshaw on screen and her never realizing it. Though I won’t miss yelling “staffers, we’ve got a church!” I will miss the Rouses’ Sunday Staff meetings (and the Rouses in general). I won’t miss the goose poop, but I will miss the cross. Not the dart game, but flamingo. Not cleaning, but my cleaning team. Not running slides, but the time with those in the tech booth.

I’ll never forget being able to pray for my friends, Crossings Life, and worshiping alongside amazing staffers. Thank you for 67 amazing days of learning, sleeplessness, and fun. I owe you more than I could ever repay.

Happy 1 year. not.

A year ago stuff was getting bad; you were getting frustrated with my problem that I had yet to realize was a sickness. Now, at this time this year, you decide you want to be back in my life in a bigger way. You are still changed. You are not who I fell in love with, and yet the way you treat me has become like it used to be. It’s not that I am not grateful for it, but I am confused. Why now? It will be soon that we will no longer be in the same physical place. Do you feel like you need to make the most of our time left together? Well, you should have thought about that every time I told you I loved you and you said nothing. You should have thought about that every time I wanted to hang out and you tried to play off that you couldn’t. We both know I saw through it. You should have thought about that when all the fears I had about us came true.

But you know I won’t desert you. Why is this? Am I someone you feel as though you can go back to whenever you feel like it? You used to tell me how much you craved spending time with me. Now, it’s whenever you have no one else? You know I will drop what I’m doing and come to your aid. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. We went through things together that have changed me for the rest of my life.

And yet I can’t tell you all this to your face. 1: I don’t think you’ll care. 2: Almost too much time has passed. 3: The fear of the pain of you being indifferent to me again is too great.
Instead I vent to a blog that few people read, especially not you. You’ll never see this.

All this because it’s been a year and similar situations are arising. What happened with us is ruining my current relationships. AGAIN. I do not blame you, don’t get me wrong. But I DO want to walk away from you. For my health. I want to not call you, text you, or see you. No matter how many dinners you buy me, rides you give me, or times you tell me you love me now. I don’t want you to call me looking for comfort because things are catching up with you, I don’t want you calling to ask if I’m ok. Not because I don’t need them, but because I NEED TO NOT NEED THEM.

But I could never tell you this.

Irony can sometimes be cruel.

Life is weird.

A good friend called me upset last night because another friend (to protect all parties involved, and confuse me years from now when I reread this, we’ll call this person K) has really disregarded my friends’ feelings, and doesn’t realize what K is doing. My friend was upset, very upset, to the point of tears and expletives. I sat and listened because I know my friend wasn’t looking for answers, even though I kept being asked, “What do I do?” I tried to be as good a friend as I could.
At one point, my friend said, “I feel so stuck. I just want to call or text, but K won’t give me any answer that will make me feel better. I just want to go over there and explain it, tell K how I feel, but K won’t understand. I just want to disappear.”

Why is this ironic, you ask?

Because about a year ago, I was in the same boat with this very friend. I wanted nothing more than call this friend, explain how I was hurt, and make my argument. This very friend hurt me, upset me to the point of tears and expletives, and didn’t understand. The words that came out of my friend’s mouth last night were practically the same words I uttered.

Even though all that happened, we have remained good friends, although my friend still doesn’t know or understand how I felt then. My friend has moved on in life to a different set of friends, and I have come to accept my role in my friend’s life. It took a long time to get to this place for me. And so last night, my friend calls me?! Am I being used? My friend knows I will be there. My friend knows I still have great love, and my friend, I believe, still has great love for me. My friend talks about having nothing left here and wanting to disappear. I AM HERE. I understand that my friend is hurting, and I will never leave my friend without support, but where is my own personal line to walk away?